The sea captain asked, "Water you doing?"
—Mike Moscony
Jimmy was extremely envious of Dan's glue. He was obviously gel-ous.
—Joe Morris
Did you hear about the American man who went to Europe for a sex-change operation? It was the only time I ever heard of a man going abroad and coming back a broad.
—Jeff Emery
The carpenter was a shelf made man.
—Hezi Ismach
After his sex change, the mail man became known as the post man.
—Hezi Ismach
The necromantic loved every body.
—Hezi Ismach
I have a friend who is a cross-dresser. He says that Christmas is his favorite time of the year. When asked why, he replies, "Well, I can eat, drink, and be Mary."
—Jestaminnit
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in a car accident? He's all right now.
—K. Tundra
—A man with no arms and legs at your front door: Matt.
—A man with no arms and legs in your swimming pool: Bob.
—Jordan Stanley
I'm the funniest guy I know, and my name is Hugh Morris.
—Josh Amunrud
A guy is sitting on the john when he realizes that there is no toilet paper. In response, he says, "Oh crap!"
—Saphron
When the electrician was asked if he needed help, he replied, "No thanks, I conduit!"
—Kricket
The construction worker was so tired that even tooth picks couldn't prop open his eyes. He needed eye beams.
—Ron Schuster
A guy with a wooden eye was attending a dance. When he asked a woman to dance with him, she excitedly replied, "Would I?" The man then ran out of the building dejected.
—Samantha Russo
Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had gained a reputation for being a necromancer.
—Christian Francis Michael Alsis
I do not get paid for putting things off. I must be an amateur-crastinator.
—SGT Snorkel
Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his teapee.
—James Smith
The handyman would only work on old houses made in an ornate style. His motto was, "If it ain't baroque, don't fix it."
—SGT Snorkel
When the absent-minded undertaker was reminded of the funeral, he slapped his head and said, "Of corpse."
—SGT Snorkel
Did you hear about the cowgirl? She could have been the belle of the town, but nobody tolled her!
—Jomama
The king and queen both wanted to be in charge of the water-filled ditch surrounding their castle. They spent every evening fighting over the moat control.
—SGT Snorkel
The two chimney sweeps agreed on everything. I guess grate minds think alike.
—SGT Snorkel
The chimney sweep quit his job to open a laundry. He liked to wash andiron.
—SGT Snorkel
My Grandma was known for her hundreds of fans she kept in the attic. She was a fanatic.
—The Tim Guy
The weight lifter went into a bar, and after a few minutes of being ignored at the counter, rang the bar bell.
—The Tim Guy
A playboy is a man who never misses a single girl.
—Peter Schmidt
The girl was determined to marry her boyfriend and change his bad habits. She told her mother: "Aisle altar hymn."
—Peter Schmidt
A psychic was involved in a minor collision downtown. She had an auto-body experience.
—Peter Schmidt
The diva didn't like wall to wall carpeting. She preferred aria rugs.
—SGT Snorkel
Let's ask the crotchety old sea captain if we can ride on his ship. I sure hope that he can tanker us.
—The Tim Guy
Q: Why was the executioner fired?
A: He couldn't get the hang of it.
—Punjab
Dubious advice from a union boss: "If you picket, it'll never heal."
—punjab
Words from a Roman transvestite: "I've Ben Hur."
—punjab
I must be a conscientious objector. I object to anyone with a conscience. I also object to being conscious.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend never stops complaining. I guess he proves the saying, "Whiners never quit."
—SGT Snorkel
Q: Why was Hollywood after the religious, yet beautiful orange supermodel?
A: She had a lot of sects a-peel.
—HalcyonWaters
I think my local prostitute is an avid birdwatcher. I hear she likes a cockatoo.
—Chalky
I asked this girl out on a date, and she gave me a phoney number.
—"Raj "the dholiac" Gosal"
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed an Englishman in the woods?
—Isaac Moss
The philosopher/health nut once said, "I've never metaphysical I didn't like."
—punjab
That cowboy sure was mean. Every time he got on his horse he would stirrup trouble. At least he never went out in the rein. My wife said if I submit any more puns as bad as this she will pommel me.
—SGT Snorkel
The famous actor never got over the loss of his favorite puppy. That is why he was known as Dogless Fairbanks.
—SGT Snorkel
I come from a long line of people who couldn't stand queues!
—brian bell (brianthepoet)
When the comedian cinched his belt too tight, he developed a paunch line.
—punjab
And then there was the story about the yes man who drove a grovel truck.
—punjab
That fellow always walks around with two happy cats on his shoulders. I don't think it's very macho for a man to carry purrs. One day, he didn't show up; so I called the missing purrs on bureau.
—SGT Snorkel
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, but his winter was very rough.
—Kirara Miyahara
The UN Secretary General asked me what I was drinking. I said, "It is coffee, Annon." Okay, I'm Ghana quit writing bad puns.
—SGT Snorkel
The axe murderer was such a bumbler that they sent him to the hospital for the criminally inane.
—punjab
The famous general invented many things. To protect his rights he always got a Patton.
—SGT Snorkel
ladys of the night have it easy in the winter time. They just give their customers the cold shoulder.
—PiggyOops
Just before Aristotle Onassis was to wed Jackie Kennedy, he was very nervous. So he had several drinks before the ceremony. When he proceeded to pass out during the nuptials, Jackie said, "It's a wrong day to tipple, Ari."
—punjab
When the Turkish ruler ordered his subjects to shorten their beards, they were shaving up for a reigning Bey.
—punjab
Bela Lugosi and Lon Chaney, Jr.were dining at a local restaurant. Chaney said, "Bela, you spilled something on your shirt." Lugosi replied, "Where, wolf?
—punjab
The fellow with six fingers on his right hand painted digitally-enhanced images.
—punjab
When the court jester wasn't producing, the king imposed a gag order.
—punjab
The English poet also sold medical supplies on the side. He was well known for his First Aid Keats.
—SGT Snorkel
The accountant quit his job and joined a commune. He was a member of the counter-culture.
—SGT Snorkel
Snoop Dogg kept drawing on women's coats. When I asked why he said he was a wrap artist.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: Did you ever hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He couldn't budget.
—craig sillence
The man whose company made ladies corsets for formal parties soon became known as a social reformer.
—punjab
When the Alcoholics Anonymous group ordered supplies, the company wasn't sure who was going to pay. They decided to Bill W.
—SGT Snorkel
Billy Blanks wanted to help me wrap my Christmas presents. I let him tie bows.
—SGT Snorkel
Mr. Gump was sleeping on the campus of a college in North Carolina. The students had a pep rally that was loud enough to wake Forrest.
—SGT Snorkel
The Easter Island natives, having faced starvation and death, had a very rocky past.
—Joseph Tumidalsky
Abber the Magician passed away this week. One day he was saying "Abbra-Cadabra" and the next thing you know, he's Abber Cadaver.
—The Tim Guy
The guy is very talented; he can drive a vehicle for hire and stuff animals to boot. I guess that makes him a taxi-dermist.
—The Tim Guy
Of course there is the one about the astronaut who had a glass eye. He was a gem-in-eye astronaut.
—The Tim Guy
As ogres go, he was mediogre.
—The Tim Guy
Tommy Runningbear had many anxieties. Yeah, he was a real Indian worrior.
—The Tim Guy
When the British mathematician asked his friends what fruit he should use to illustrate his theory of gravity they said, "Don't use figs, Newton."
—SGT Snorkel
I think my personal wizard has retired. I haven't seen him for a spell.
—punjab
It is insane the way he collects large bird feathers. Why, it's plume crazy.
—SGT Snorkel
The English Philosopher's mother was a simple person. Of course, she was Ockham's raiser.
—SGT Snorkel
The Secretary of State does not own her apartment, she rents it. Of course, her name is Condo Leaser Rice.
—SGT Snorkel
I was lucky to meet that lady. It was a chance meeting. Her name is Sarah Dipity.
—SGT Snorkel
That actor named Julia is very considerate. He lives by the Golden Raul.
—SGT Snorkel
Everyone thought the dentist was perfect, but really he had a lot of floss.
—SGT Snorkel
If an entertainer who likes to parody popular songs were bitten by a wolf man would he become a Wierdwolf?
—SGT Snorkel
The women's rights advocate kept saying the strangest things on the spur of the moment. What an odd libber.
—SGT Snorkel
If Descartes had worked for the Army Corps of Engineers would he have said, "I think, therefore I dam?"
—SGT Snorkel
Some people call the White Sox slugger James but he will always be Jim to me.
—SGT Snorkel
The prevaricator could be counted on to tell the same untruth every time you saw him. He was reliable.
—SGT Snorkel
I find clowns very amusing; mimes even Marceau.
—Ian Warren
My usually talkative friend didn't say a word today. That was quiet a surprise.
—SGT Snorkel
The famous artist used to like to start his day with a cup of coffee and his Dali newspaper.
—SGT Snorkel
The bank teller had been robbed by the same bank robber time and time again. When the sheriff asked who did it, the teller said, "It was jus' James."
—SGT Snorkel
The obese editor started a weight redaction program.
—SGT Snorkel
The boy in West Virginia lied about his age so he could get a job. He became a coal minor.
—SGT Snorkel
I knew the famous designer wanted me to leave when he showed me the Dior. Not really, I'm just pulling Oleg.
—SGT Snorkel
The famous Chinese philosopher was sick. He felt lousy.
—SGT Snorkel
The male monarch kept saying the craziest things. The queen would just sigh and say, "It takes all kings."
—SGT Snorkel
The former Dallas running back told me the most amazing story. It was Emmit's myth.
—SGT Snorkel
The CEO's computer kept crashing. No wonder. You should never put a magnate near a computer.
—SGT Snorkel
My Mexican friend is really special. He is Juan in a million.
—SGT Snorkel
Anita Baker: A two-word classified ad for a pastry chef.
—Ed Carlin
I think everyone should try and be like a comedian named Carey. To thine own self be Drew.
—SGT Snorkel
That priest really likes to abbreviate things. When he arrived in Boston he said Mass.
—SGT Snorkel
Was the smallest Russian ruler known as Tsar Dean?
—SGT Snorkel
Yesterday I was walking down the street. I saw an alien and I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Hey! Where'd you come from, Outer Space?!" And it replied quietly, "Of course I did, you Louder Race!"
—Scott Riehs
Barack's father should have named him Al, but that is stating the obvious.
—SGT Snorkel
That Southern baker is a gentleman bran and bread.
—SGT Snorkel
Mr. Chomsky should write dramas. As the old saying says, "There's no plays like Noam's."
—SGT Snorkel
Did you know that people tend to tell worse puns as they get older? That's why we call them groan-ups.
—Punned It
Philosopher to nudist: "Have you read Marx?"
Nudist: "It's the wicker chairs."
—Punned It
Mr. Hefner believed that everyone loved listening to him talk on and on. What Hugh breeze.
—SGT Snorkel
I once dated an extremely sentimental lady. Her name was Maude Lynn. Her mom was Ma Kish.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: Why did Little Bo Peep dip her sheep in chocolate?
A: She wanted a chocolate bahhhhhh.
—sastrie
The town named the cul-de-sac in honor of a famous boxer. It is known as Muhammad Alley.
—SGT Snorkel
The 34th president always had trouble getting a suntan. He was known as the white Eisenhower.
—SGT Snorkel
If a famous singer from Memphis had ironed his own jeans, could we say that Elvis pressed Lees?
—SGT Snorkel
You can't have two girlfriends or you will end up screwing yourself.
—Chad Senechal
My friend always has plenty of beer in the refrigerator for guests who stop by. His name is Justin Case.
—SGT Snorkel
Everybody knew he was French because of his peculiar arse.
—Luis
