Billy: While in Vietnam, my uncle was shot in the butt.
Sister Mary: Rectum, Billy, rectum.
Billy: Wrecked him? It nearly killed him!
—Mr G.
Teacher: Little Johnny, can you make a sentence using the word "before?"
Little Johnny: Yes, Ma'am. Two plus two before.
—Donald Frazier
Did you hear about the high-school principals who were committed to an asylum? They didn't have all their faculties.
—GrillMaster
I wasn't able to take a class about the Queen of England—she is not a subject.
—Dave Dantas
Teacher: Can anyone make a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it?
Little Johnny: My sister has a sweater with ten buttons on it. Her chest is so big that she can only fasten eight.
—Donald Frazier
The fraternity Pledges cleansed the woodwork.
—Tim McCormick
Teacher: [Points to a piece of wood.] Class, these are knotholes.
Student: If they're not holes, what are they?
—Michelle Tau
The parochial school student fell asleep, so the nun hit him with a crucifix. It was a rood awakening.
—SGT Snorkel
The English schoolboy saved an entire family from a house fire. He's a real Harrow.
—SGT Snorkel
I passed all of my classes, but each of my grades was lower than a "C." How D-grading.
—The Tim Guy
The warped mirror in the sorority house kept giving distorted, fantastic reflections. It was a real Chi mirror.
—SGT Snorkel
I wrote a report in school about mountain bikes. My facts were found in a cyclepedia.
—The Tim Guy
I asked the high-school senior if he was interested in attending the University of Maine. He hemmed and hawed. I said, "Come on, yes Orono." Seriously, I think he aims to go to Iowa State.
—SGT Snorkel
Iowa State University is noted for recreating grass cutting tools. That's why they're known as the scythe clones.
—SGT Snorkel
I can't decide if I want to enter that spelling contest. To bee or not to bee.
—SGT Snorkel
There is always something fishy about Mrs. Bass' class.
—Anonymous
Randy Rogers really resisted reading. He was alliterate.
—SGT Snorkel
A school boy fell in love with two totally different school bags. He was bi-satchel.
—PUN MASTER FLEX.
I was offered a secure job at the university, but I turned it down. I wanted to work more than ten years.
—SGT Snorkel
That trouble-making student at the University of Mississippi was always waking up the dormitory students. What a Rebel rouser!
—SGT Snorkel
I should make sure to contact my pupils before they all make spectacles of them selves!
—Joshua Hils
When the waitress asked the statistics teacher what he wanted for dessert he said, "Pie ala mode, and I really mean it."
—SGT Snorkel
The measuring cup must have a diploma of some sort. I know this cause it is graduated and has at least a couple of units.
—The Tim Guy
The school child's spelling test consisted of synonyms for the word incorrect. He didn't miss any. He was able to write every wrong.
—SGT Snorkel
That graduate of a private university in Houston is founding a college in South America. It will be called Chilean Rice.
—SGT Snorkel
While having lunch with my professor friend, I pointed to a coed and asked if that was the one he was giving academic advice to. He shook his head and pointed to another one, saying, "No, I meant her."
—SGT Snorkel
A little girl who was always talking was nicknamed "Little Miss Information."
—Fuzzy
My friend was trying to tell me about what was happening at the college he had attended. I said, "I don't care. That's an alma matter."
—SGT Snorkel
I tried to earn a PHD in 20th Century American Literature but I never completed my Doctorrow Thesis.
—SGT Snorkel
That student at Maryland was really depraved. He was guilty of Terpitude.
—SGT Snorkel
When I was in college I had to draw pictures of FDR, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, etc. I majored in Liberal Arts.
—SGT Snorkel
At seminary I got barely-passing grades. I was a deist.
—SGT Snorkel
I was in a parochial school library when a prayer book fell off the shelf and hit me on the head. They should install a missal defense system.
—SGT Snorkel
When the Frat member got hungry he eta pi. But you already nu that, didn't you?
—SGT Snorkel
My teacher wrote "paradox" on the chalkboard. Next to it he wrote: (2 doxes).
—Puddles - Huddles
My girlfriend in college had a perfect 1.0 grade point average. She never got an F and she never got a C. Her name was Trudy.
—SGT Snorkel
The truant officer caught several children at the ice rink. They were playing hockey.
—SGT Snorkel
I used to teach a girl who liked to draw Japanese Anime when she finished her class work. One day I approached her and inquired if she drew anything else, to which she snapped "No!" I told her that she needed some "Manga management".\r\nTrue story.
—Chris
I had trouble getting to the campus in New Orleans. I had to drive down a two-lane road.
—SGT Snorkel
The class sat in stunned silence in the aftermath of the algebra test.
—SGT Snorkel
The newly elected school board promised to make a clean sweep of operations. The first thing they did was order new brooms for the janitors.
—SGT Snorkel
A man told his friend about the creative writing class he took. She said she had had a simile experience.
—KN
Old German students never die; they just go from Bad to Wurst.
—KN
