Some comedians give themselves a ration of crap as part of their act. This is known as self-defecating humor.
—Scott Straub
When you're with your honey,
And your nose gets a bit runny,
You may think it's funny.
But itsnot.
—M. Moscony
Puberty is a hair raising experience.
—M. Leger
I can paddle. Canoe?
—Mike Moscony
When a bald man buys a wig, does he have toupee?
—Hezi Ismach
Sitting on a window ledge is a pane in the arse!
—Gazza D.
On the other hand, there are different fingers.
—Captain Moo the Magnificent
I intended to stand on thin ice, but my plans fell through.
—Brian Powell
I have a 12 inch penis, but I don't use it as a rule.
—Adrian Bozzay
Toilet U-bends—I just can't get my head around them.
—Adrian Bozzay
She may have been a blind prostitute, but you had to hand it to her!
—Adrian Bozzay
My wife wanted a Double Entendre, so I gave her one.
—Adrian Bozzay
Guy 1: You're a dick
Guy 2: Ooh, that was below the belt."
—Bob
I have submitted ten puns to this site.
How may have made it?
No pun in ten did.
—Nick
My wig was blown off, and now there'll be the devil toupee.
—Bazza
Since he was applying for a job with the C.I.A., he thought it was wise to have the mole removed from his body.
—Edward Evangelidi
Q: What happened when the Blue ship collided with the Red ship?
A: The survivors were all marooned!
—Donald Frazier
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
—Rayra65
The problem with having a circle of friends is that they keep coming round!
—Bazza
When the census taker quit his job, his boss claimed that he was taking leave of his census.
—Edward Evangelidi
I went to the circus the other day, and I can tell you. . . It was in tents!
—K. Tundra
Person 1: Hey, how's your new vacuum working for ya?
Person 2: It sucks.
—K. Tundra
The man had wandered hopelessly in the dark for hours. When he saw the end of the tunnel, he was filled with delight.
—Donald Frazier
Lumberjacks have a below-average life expectancy. Who wood have thunk it?
—Bob
Who could have known that bubble wrap would be so pop-ular?
—Bob
The King of Id married the Queen of Iot. They had a son. He was an Id-Iot.
—Donald Frazier
It's a little-known fact that "Horatius One-Eyed," the most virtuous of all Roman heroes, was actually German-born. Truthfully may it be said that there ain't no Roman like the one-eyed Goth.
—"R.S. Rochat, Jr."
The firefighter's flare for life was extinguished.
—Steve Warns
That staff meeting at work went well. We came; we saw; we concurred.
—SGT Snorkel
I was about to try something, so I had the fingers on both hands crossed. One of the CNS's said, "Why don't you cross your eyes also?" I replied, "Don't be silly, you dot your "i"s. it's the "t"s you cross!"
—Donald Frazier
I asked a factory worker, "Why do you have such a large bill on your cap?"
He said, "That's my supervisor!"
—Donald Frazier
Southwestern Bell recently changed the name of "One Bell Center" to "One SBC Center." It just doesn't have the same ring to it.
—Michael Morrone
"Why haven't you sent us your initial deposit?"
"I did. I sent 'D.J.F.' Those are my initials."
—Donald Frazier
One of my nurses—a young, pretty thing—entered a wet-t-shirt contest. She got the booby prize.
—Donald Frazier
I'm sorry I'm late, but my watch stopped. . . It had to. The thing's been running fast all week.
—Dylan M.
Have you ever had to go to the bathroom so bad that you didn't have to push a wee bit?
—Joe McGro
A witch will never get angry while on her broomstick as to avoid flying off the handle.
—Rebecca
Mariah carried Britney's spears to break down Bill's gates, but stuck them up Brad's pits, instead. After doing such a mean thing, she wondered if Winona would Ryder to town.
—Mickey Mouse
A good pun is it's own reword.
—Hazelbite
I saw a hot-looking tall girl today. She was fair in height.
—Shane Krabacher
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."
—Michael Radigan
Money is tainted. . . . It ain't yours and it ain't mine.
—Lauren Scott
The front wall of the house, where the entrance was to be installed, seemed to be quite doorable.
—Christian Francis Michael Alsis
All the test tube baby wanted was a womb with a view.
—Porterboy
I put a piece of paper around my stomach—what a waist of paper.
—Alex Ng
That carpenter is yawning. He must be board. Of course, that is plane to see.
—SGT Snorkel
For his birthday, we bought our friend a little ceramic leprechaun and wrapped it up in brown paper. He had gnome chance of guessing what it was.
—Neil Henderson
My neighbor agreed to pay my way into the carnival if I raked his lawn. I guess that's fair.
—SGT Snorkel
Next year, the U.S. mint will put out a two-headed half-dollar. Teddy Roosevelt will be on one side and Nathan Hale will be on the other. Now people will be able to call "Teds or Hales."
—Donald Frazier
I have been working on the same joke for 14 days, but the punch line is too weak.
—SGT Snorkel
I was trying to tune-in a famous talk-radio host. I could get the station above and below him, but could not get his station. I guess I was in Rush limbo.
—SGT Snorkel
I can't help myself. I keep trying to send my puns into submission.
—The Tim Guy
I am removing that hazardous stuff asbestos I can.
—The Tim Guy
The toilet paper was all wiped-out.
—Dangcoolkid
A cotton farmer was working on his broken-down farm equipment. He got frustrated because he couldn't get the cotton pickin' thing to work.
—The Tim Guy
I finally got my watch fixed. It was about time.
—The Tim Guy
At the raffle the other day I won a World War II rifle. It was the Garand prize.
—SGT Snorkel
I was only on the army post from sunset to sunrise, but it seemed like a fortnight.
—SGT Snorkel
"Darn" is not a swear word. It's a dang precursor.
—Edward Evangelidi
A sign on the door to the control room at the nuclear power plant: Gone fission.
—Peter Schmidt
Oval: A way of getting Valerie's attention.
—Joseph Leff
When I came home and found her burning those smelly sticks, I was incensed.
—Larry Crawford
I fondly remember my first 35mm camera. I was so attached to it I even named it. I called it "F. Stop Fitzgerald."
—Dean Gilkey
Me: It's almost Halloween—bats and stuff everywhere.
Dad: Where have all the good times guano?
Me: Dad, that's awful!
Dad: No crap!
—BadBrad
I used to rake leaves, but that just blew.
—Phil T.
Exercise isn't all it's worked up to be.
—Sammus
A hymn for the Siamese bookmakers: "Blest be the Thais that bind"
—Punjab
The missile flew off course because it started to lean as it left the ground. I would call that a missile line-ment issue.
—The Tim Guy
The carpenter did such a great job measuring the space for my new counter that I would call his counter measure counter intelligence.
—The Tim Guy
When I first started submitting jokes to this site, I considered using the names Charles, Nolte, or Bottom because the directions said I could use a Nick name.
—SGT Snorkel
While I was working as a carpenter, a nail snagged the front of my T-shirt. It tore so bad.
—SGT Snorkel
I once got to drive my John Deere around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. It was a track tour.
—SGT Snorkel
I once handed out towels in the men's room for tips. It was a great job. I always liked johnny cash.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: If a famous philosopher gave you a $100 dollar bill, how would you feel?
A: It would Machiavelli happy.
—punjab
Santa's reindeer crashed and were stranded on a mountain pass. They were starving and became desperate for something to eat. Tragically, it became known as the Donder Party.
—SGT Snorkel
I demonstrated a complicated yoga position to my friend. He asked if it was hard to do. I said, "Well, it is knot easy."
—SGT Snorkel
When Joy entered the room, we were so delighted. We all jumped for Joy.
—KAT NIP
I would make up a pun about money, but I don't want to coin a phrase.
—Chalky
Pamela Anderson was discovered at a baseball game. When Playboy asked how much she wanted she gave them a ballpark figure.
—Chalky
The nervous bride was told to focus, first on the aisle, then on the altar, then on the hymn. Keep these three things in mind. "Say them over and over: Aisle. Altar. Hymn. I'll alter him.'"
—David Laushey
Look at that lamp. It's looking pretty shady.
—Mr. Punny
When they raffled off the deceased at his funeral, it was referred to as a "dead giveaway."
—punjab
I am the best at what I do. Just like a farmer working, I'm out standing in my field.
—Chalky
The good thing about deaf mutes is that they won't give you lip service.
—punjab
I find fornication with vaults to be the best form of safe sex.
—Chalky
I think my local butcher may be a highwayman. I often see him stand and de-liver.
—Chalky
Shoe laces are knot right.
—matt
The O'Reilly triplets attacked the town drunk as he was walking out of the saloon. They were unsuccessful, however, because—as we all know—three of a kind can't beat a full souse.
—punjab
When he told me I was average, he was just being mean.
—Jen M
You know a pun is good when it punishes your audience.
—Josh Sullivan
The Iraqi gambler asked his son if he had been able to rig the fight. The boy responded, "It's in the bag, Dad."
—SGT Snorkel
I fixed the device that pumps excess water out of my basement. My wife thinks I am sump sort of hero.
—SGT Snorkel
On January 1st, I helped a friend replace the support post for the hand rail on his stairs. Of course, I wished him, "Happy newel here."
—SGT Snorkel
Czech weather forecaster: Praguenosticator
—punjab
I keep having a nightmare that I am engaging in ancient Greek athletic events and can't stop. I have to keep racing agon and agon and agon.
—SGT Snorkel
The two Indians collided on their horses and couldn't agree who was at fault. They decided to sue each other. I once dated an Indian. She was very reserved. I called her shy Ann.
—SGT Snorkel
As a practical joke on my accordion-playing friend, I tied his instrument up so tight that he couldn't untie it. It was an accordion knot.
—SGT Snorkel
While I was at the Hawaiian party I had to use the facilities. While I was there I bumped my knee on a urinal. How painful! It was a real loo ow.
—SGT Snorkel
American Indians used the whole buffalo. They even used the skeleton to make weapons. They were very skilled using the bone arrow.
—SGT Snorkel
My coworker let fly an exceptionally smelly fart, and I said to her, "Instead of having a Tudor house, we have a tooter in the house."
—Anonymous
I was surprised when the fortuneteller used flowers instead of tealeaves to read my fortune. She said, "Like the saying goes, Roses are read. . . ."
—SGT Snorkel
I asked the cobbler if he wanted a sharp hole-making tool for Christmas. He said it was awl he wanted. Okay, that is the last cobbler joke I'll write. It is my sole submission on the subject.
—SGT Snorkel
Two male ghosts haunted the hen house on our farm. I wasn't worried. They were just poultry guys.
—SGT Snorkel
I once worked in a crematorium. What a terrible way to urn a living. Whenever I sneezed, I went, "Ashoo."
—SGT Snorkel
My friend said that he had found a very small colony of tiny insects in an apartment he owned. I told him that as a landlord he should be glad to have ten ants.
—SGT Snorkel
The pirate and his girlfriend never took off their cutlasses, even at night. They had a sworded affair.
—SGT Snorkel
The nudist colony opened a zoo. It was very interesting. Lions and tigers and bares . . .
—SGT Snorkel
The husking bee turned out to be a shucking experience.
—punjab
The Yank plumber wouldn't faucet.
—Bazza
The rocket lost his job. He left work early to go to launch, so he was fired.
—Charles A. George
My friends got together at my place last evening and had great fun quibbling. In fact, I think we have to repartee.
—Ankur Nigam
The officer didn't shower for a week, and he had to run a race in order to avoid demotion. When he came in second he became a rank loser.
—daniel
That screw head isn't slotted or phillips. That really torx me off.
—SGT Snorkel
When the baker put his dough in the oven he meant to leave no scone unturned. His mind however turned to bird hunting and he forgot the baking buns. Having burned them hard as rocks, he went to the beach to hunt birds, leaving no tern unsconed.
—Bill
My first 35mm camera was very special to me, so special I even had to name it. I called it "F Stop Fitzgerald".
—Dean
That ghost didn't have much money but he was able to eek out a living.
—SGT Snorkel
While remodeling the kitchen, the carpenter measured the counter-tops several times before cutting the tile. He was practicing good counter measure.
—The Tim Guy
Fire-fighters must not forget to stop and take time to smell the hoses.
—Greg Slater
I heard the Sergeant talking in the bathroom, but I'm not privy to his conversation.
—punjab
My friend's goal in life is to climb to the highest point of the Alamo. He is a man on a mission.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend hates trains because they are so loud. What a loco motive.
—SGT Snorkel
That seer is very plain spoken. What a clear-voyant.
—SGT Snorkel
Is the current pilot of Air Force One a bush pilot?
—The Tim Guy
The Japanese editor screamed at the writer, "Your poor use of commas will kill you in this industry!" The writer was a real comma-kaze.
—The Tim Guy
Two submarines collided and as a result, they were sub-merged.
—The Tim Guy
The rope was obviously educated since it was well taut.
—The Tim Guy
I'd like to tell you all about my haunted refrigerator, but it's just too chilling to talk about it.
—The Tim Guy
A poet friend who also baked asked me for some money. I asked what she would give me for it. She said, "For batter or for verse."
—Ankur Nigam
The bug died. His soul returned and was nothing more than a mere bug-a-boo.
—The Tim Guy
Wow! This website sure has a corny-copia of puns.
—The Tim Guy
You say it's goofing off, I say it's horsing around. It's all some antics no matter how you say it.
—The Tim Guy
The tombstones on the left were identical to the tombstones on the right. He was buried in the middle of the symmetry.
—The Tim Guy
Me Anjou, we make a great pear!
—David Procter
Darth Vader July message: "May the Fourth be with you."
—The Tim Guy
I backed into a window and broke it. What a pane in the glass that was.
—The Tim Guy
My Indian motorcycle was running great until the injun died.
—The Tim Guy
How can New Orleans expect to get back on its feet when it has a broken FEMA? Now that's humerus.
—SGT Snorkel
When the telemarketer died, I decided to go to his funeral. After the funeral, I asked the director if the fellow was in the funeral car parked beside the church. He said, "No, that's a hearse of a different caller."
—SGT Snorkel
I don't know if she wants to walk along that gravelly ridge with me. I think I will esker.
—SGT Snorkel
As they might have said in Haight-Ashbury, "Hippie New Year." Or as Bill Boyd might have said, "Hoppy New Year."
—SGT Snorkel
Satan promised the cobbler riches beyond his wildest dreams in exchange for a comfortable pair of shoes. So the fellow sold his soles to the devil.
—SGT Snorkel
I only think I am once in a while. Cognito ergo some.
—SGT Snorkel
I always take a short warm up walk before I take my dog out. It is the pre-amble to the constitutional.
—SGT Snorkel
I joined a group of veterans who have wounds that won't heal. It is called the American Lesion.
—SGT Snorkel
That heathen wants me to buy him a pig, but I will never buy a pagan a pork.
—SGT Snorkel
Hal has an old Plymouth that is in great shape, but even he admits that his wife's Geo is a better car. Hal hath no Fury like his woman's Storm.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend's car crashed, rolled down the mountain, and got stuck upside down on a tree. As a result, he went into an "inverted coma."
—Ankur Nigam
At the nursing home I met a fellow named Mr. Lang. It turns out that he was born on January 1st. I guess Capricorn is Old Lang's Sign.
—SGT Snorkel
Thunderstorms should not be described as "raining cats and dogs." We should say it is raining cobblers and blacksmiths. After all, they are rain shoers.
—SGT Snorkel
I am taking a class on mind reading. I like it very, very much. I am really intuit.
—SGT Snorkel
Someone asked me why I swear so much. I said, "Just becuss."
—SGT Snorkel
When the former laundry worker became dictator he ruled with an iron fist.
—SGT Snorkel
If actress Moore aroused people with emotional appeals, would she be guilty of Demi-goguery?
—SGT Snorkel
I asked the Japanese Warlord if his pistol was real. He said, "No, it's just a show gun."
—SGT Snorkel
The architect kept going on and on about the multi-level theater he had designed. He bored me to tiers.
—SGT Snorkel
A ghost entered the office of a motel owner and said, "The bed in Room 2 is unmade, Room 8 is missing a towel, and Room 9 is dusty." The owner said, "Who are you?" The ghost replied, "I am the inn specter."
—SGT Snorkel
The chief made a long, angry speech to his braves about the need for them to lose weight. What a diet tribe.
—SGT Snorkel
When the storm blew the fortune teller to the ground, the IRS demanded more money from him. Something about a windfall prophet's tax.
—SGT Snorkel
After my friend got me with a practical joke I said I would strangle him. But I was just choking.
—SGT Snorkel
The policeman had a light brown star on his uniform. I guess it was his beige.
—SGT Snorkel
After the armistice there was a POW exchange. I guess they are right. The truce shall set you free.
—SGT Snorkel
That lodge member didn't charge me when he repaired my brick wall. Of course, he is a Freemason.
—SGT Snorkel
Donating to the battered women's shelter could be a good tax wright off. You can't beat that.
—elvis
Placing pictures on a bulletin board seems a little bit tacky for me.
—elvis
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.
—elvis
When I realized my house was haunted I hired a personal trainer. I needed someone who could exorcise a ghost.
—SGT Snorkel
I see that the military alliance formed after World War II is going to provide security in Southern Afghanistan. Neato!
—SGT Snorkel
The international playboy was very good at performing a certain ballet jump. He was a member of the jete set.
—SGT Snorkel
A group of english teachers were planning a strike. Some were anti-nouns; some were pro-nouns.
—Al Strachan
Coming home tonight I was hit by a semi. I wasn't hurt but I got the freight of my life.
—SGT Snorkel
That guy was so set in his ways that he never left his house. He just staid at home.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend started making humorous comments about the items in his wife's curio cabinet. The worst part is he knows I hate knick knack jokes.
—SGT Snorkel
On December 7th I took a lady to dinner. I did not have a good time. It was a date that will live in infamy forever.
—SGT Snorkel
Last March 16th I showed up at work dressed in green. A friend told me, "This ain't Patrick's Day."
—SGT Snorkel
I had to help clean up after a famous parade. There was tons of trash. What a messy Thanksgiving Day parade!
—SGT Snorkel
Every one of a long line of kings died a horrible, violent death. What a die nasty!
—SGT Snorkel
I used to be gregarious. Now that I have gotten older I have become graygarious.
—SGT Snorkel
The prisoner sneered at the guards as he escaped over the prison wall. He gave them a con descending look.
—SGT Snorkel
The spiritualist got mad because I ruined her session by talking about tiny insects. I thought she said we were supposed to say ants.
—SGT Snorkel
I think you need ESP to talk to spirits. You surely need a sixth séance.
—SGT Snorkel
When that fellow decided to get a sex change operation I realized something was amiss.
—SGT Snorkel
I just read about a fellow who rode on the ferris wheel longer than anyone else. It is in the Guinness Book of Whirled Records.
—SGT Snorkel
My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month. I guess that's why they call it alley money.
—SGT Snorkel
Two Frenchmen were on a South Pacific island. One said, "When will a big tidal wave hit?" The other one said, "Soon, ami."
—SGT Snorkel
My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She is using sighcology.
—SGT Snorkel
When I heard they were tearing down that beautiful old building I was so upset I razed the roof.
—SGT Snorkel
The hotel atrium had too many large potted plants. You couldn't see the foyer for the trees.
—SGT Snorkel
If I drink a lot of Geritol am I guilty of depleting a fossil fuel?
—SGT Snorkel
I really hope I'm not coming down with the Bird Flu I've been hearing about. I've been feeling awfully flighty.
—Phydeaux
Our garage is haunted. I avoid going out there, especially on Saturdays. I hate garage souls.
—SGT Snorkel
When the brewer sold me a used Volkswagen he said, "This Bug's for you."
—SGT Snorkel
Would the fellows carrying the casket at the pharmacist's funeral be called pill bearers?
—SGT Snorkel
I knew that spirit couldn't float forever. What ghost up must come down.
—SGT Snorkel
I couldn't wait to get to that large gathering of story tellers. It was the lore of the crowd.
—SGT Snorkel
One day my boss told me to treat him with respect and the next day he told me to pay attention to everything he said. I said, "What's the deference?"
—SGT Snorkel
After I lost the pun contest I shouted, "Wit 'til next year!"
—SGT Snorkel
I yawned while she was telling me about the finger ornament she bought for her boyfriend. It was beau ring.
—SGT Snorkel
Last Halloween I dressed as a large, hairy gourd. I wanted to be sassquash.
—SGT Snorkel
I knew that masseuse wanted to contact me. She left a massage on my answering machine.
—SGT Snorkel
The ladies thought the old man was very attractive. He was as coot as a button.
—SGT Snorkel
My Native American friend from New Mexico said he would visit me this summer. I Hopi remembers.
—SGT Snorkel
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
—Yaeli
It is very easy to communicate with spirits. It isn't rocket séance.
—SGT Snorkel
They knew it was real as soon as they started to correspond with each other. It was love at first write.
—SGT Snorkel
My girlfriend once gave me a Valentine made out of soft leather. What a suede heart!
—SGT Snorkel
I knew she was the one when we went on that walk among the evergreen trees. It was love at firs site.
—SGT Snorkel
'tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall :o}
—PoohsHunnyBee
If a bald snob in England dons a wig, is he putting on 'airs?
—SGT Snorkel
Have a nice trip, see you next fall.
—caroline
The trapeze artist had to buy his own safety equipment. Every Friday he got his net pay.
—SGT Snorkel
I was desperate to find my book of maps. When I finally found it I said, "Atlas."
—SGT Snorkel
I drive a town car. Well, really it is a Chevy Lumina. I just call it a town car because it is only good for around town.
—Gary D.
I like to hang my rugs on the clothesline. To air is human.
—SGT Snorkel
I knew that summer was almost over when I saw that arrogant ghost leave. A haughty spirit goeth before a fall.
—SGT Snorkel
The bride and groom decided to keep only one reed instrument. That's terrible. I hate same sax marriages.
—SGT Snorkel
I asked my lawyer friend why he painted every room in his house yellow. He said, "This is my legal pad."
—SGT Snorkel
The two lieutenants were assigned to the same task. They were co-missioned officers.
—SGT Snorkel
The ghost practiced scaring people night after night. He was finally ready for his day boo.
—SGT Snorkel
The statement "All wood cutting tools are sharp" is an example of an axiom.
—SGT Snorkel
When the bricklayer's assistant met the lady he fell hod over heels in love.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend is no rocket scientist but he says some clever things. I guess they are right. Out of the mouths of boobs comes the wisdom of the ages.
—SGT Snorkel
I tried to get my bicycle to stand up... but it was two tired.
—Punned It
An official stopped me in the hospital car park to tell me "You can't park here. It's badge holders only."
"But I have got a bad shoulder!" I replied.
—Punned It
Are dog biscuits made of collie flour?
—Punned It
I threw away all of my GI Joes when I got my Paul Bunyan axin' figure. I also liked my Clint Eastwood actin' figure.
—SGT Snorkel
I have always wanted to hand out carts at Walmart. I cannot imagine a greeter job.
—SGT Snorkel
The sergeant told his men that they were going to spend the entire next day on the parade field standing in a precise array. One of his privates said, "That is more in formation than I need."
—SGT Snorkel
I consider myself to be a pun hit wonder.
—Punter Gatherer
They call me Puns De Leon.
—Punstoppable
That really nice fellow works in a clothing mill sewing zippers on jeans. That is good. He would not harm a fly.
—SGT Snorkel
Carpe dime: Seize the ten cent piece.
—SGT Snorkel
a murderer joined the military and made a killing.
—bill
The beauty queen doesn't want to go on that foreign trip. She will miss America.
—SGT Snorkel
I should have been sad when the batteries in my flashlight went dead, but I was delighted.
—SGT Snorkel
I spend too much time using the gripping tool in my workroom. It is my only vise.
—SGT Snorkel
The astronomer quit his job to become a barber. Eclipse hair now.
—SGT Snorkel
That comedian has more routines than you can shake a shtick at.
—SGT Snorkel
A carpenter must have been here. I saw dust.
—SGT Snorkel
When my collection of Playboys needed dusting I realized I had a bunch of dirty magazines (no porn intended).
—SGT Snorkel
I was really sad when my brand-new feather pillow split a seam. I was feeling down-in-the-mouth for a week.
—JMixx
Q: What do you call a building demolition company that works at dawn?
A: Razing in the Sun.
—emily soifer
Q: What was the deaf man planning on December 31st?
A: A resolution for new ears.
—acopaodequeijo
People who live in grass houses shouldn't mow homes.
—Neal Bilbrey
My foul language has become routine. It is par for the cuss.
—SGT Snorkel
I got a great deal when I bought my apartment. I got the condo minimum.
—SGT Snorkel
The Medical Examiner bought a house on a coroner lot.
—SGT Snorkel
Did you hear the joke about the ball? I was rolling around with laughter!
—Kris
When I hit my knee the other day, people laughed at me. I didn't think it was fun-knee.
—Kris
A pirate who wants to stay healthy takes Vitamin "Sea".
—Kris
I can't believe my "I's"! Says the man who just figured out how to write.
—Kris
He was so poor he couldn't even pay his rent. He was flat broke.
—SGT Snorkel
The rotten food in the garbage can behind the restaurant was covered with flies. To the vectors go the spoils.
—SGT Snorkel
The Marine recruiter was whining and complaining about how tough training was. His drill sergeant looked at him and said, "Simper? Fie!"
—SGT Snorkel
The lady started dating the gangster instead of dating the cads that were courting her. She was hood over heels in love.
—SGT Snorkel
The old knight's car died. As he looked at it, he slowly shook his head and said, "Chevrolet is dead."
—SGT Snorkel
I am very sad when I wake up. I am in morning.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend Christopher can't afford an indoor decoration this year. It will be a case of Chris miss tree.
—Mark
The undertaker's son was always hungry. He ate his dad out of hearse and home.
—SGT Snorkel
I took her hand only for the shake of it.
—Luis
As a matter of flat, he lives on the 2nd floor.
—Luis
I don't know where some old sayings come from. For example, I once saw a bowl in a china shop, and it wasn't causing any trouble. It was just sitting there.
—SGT Snorkel
As there was no visible axes, I couldn't get into the house.
—Luis
I'm like a brand new floor mat... I never see defeat.
—AJ
