The guy was on his death bed and couldn't stop coffin.
—elizabeth loden
Impotence can be described as a male function malfunction.
—Hezi Ismach
I saw that the leper was in dire need of help; I asked him if I could loan him a hand.
—Macross
(Somebody steps on your foot.) "It's just a foot; it will heel."
—Brian Scoot Tarr
I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win. . . but I came varicose!
—Donald Frazier
Did you here about the crazy guy with leprosy? He lost his head.
—Jordan Stanley
The Christian prostitute gave me gentile herpes.
—Christian Francis Michael Alsis
When I kept getting sick all the time, my doctor began to suspect something in my house. He asked if I had any pets. I said, "Just my salmon, Ella."
—SGT Snorkel
At my last checkup the doctor discovered a lump in my lymph nodes. Upon further inspection, he found two more.
—SGT Snorkel
I met a couple of ladies of the evening who had colds so bad they couldn't tell me their rates. They were too hoarse.
—SGT Snorkel
The guy with the red, itchy spots all over his body had a rash of questions for the doctor.
—The Tim Guy
Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
—Bryan Johnson
Although the baby was dead, it was still born.
—Christian Francis Michael Alsis
The tank driver was afflicted with terrible spasms and uncontrollable vocal outbreaks. The doctor said he had Turrets Syndrome.
—SGT Snorkel
I met a child who would only say one word, "Zero." His mom said he had aught-ism.
—SGT Snorkel
While touring the Magic Kingdom, I slipped and hurt my leg. Dis knee still hurts.
—SGT Snorkel
I think that I'm beginning to lose my self esteem. Since contracting leprosy I'm only half the man I used to be.
—Chalky
The egotist was even proud of his elevated blood pressure. He had high pretentions.
—SGT Snorkel
My wife has a strange way of defrosting vegetables, by putting them down her pants. The strange bulge between her legs was just her peas.
—Chalky
Marriage is a great institution, especially for the Insane.
—Paul Hussey
I told my wife that I had the runs, but she didn't hear me—must be her dire ear.
—Chalky
I went to see a doctor about my impotence problem. His treatment didn't work so I decided to sue him. My lawyer, however, insisted that it would never stand up in court.
—Chalky
I keep getting a sore throat every time I visit a barber. The doctor says I have tonsorialitis.
—SGT Snorkel
I got sick right after I went shopping. Of course, I shopped at SARS and Roebuck.
—SGT Snorkel
At the marksmanship contest, a friend asked me if I was feeling okay. I said, "Well I have a little Colt."
—SGT Snorkel
I was just diagnosed with a very rare form of diarrhea. The doctor said it was loo Gehrig disease.
—SGT Snorkel
When the student was asked why he was absent from class, he said he had a bad chest cold. The teacher was not impressed, however, calling his explanation a phlegm-sy excuse.
—punjab
I told the psychiatrist, "Doc, you have to help me. I keep dreaming I'm a fish."
He said I was being a dumb bass.
—SGT Snorkel
Venereal diseases travel by pubic transport.
—Irie K
If you ever end up breaking your toe, you should go ahead and call a tow truck.
—Shane
I told the psychiatrist that I kept dreaming I was afraid to part with my friend the gondolier. He said I had bye poler disorder.
—SGT Snorkel
I was touring a famous university in Paris when I developed a terrible limp. I guess I had a sore bone.
—SGT Snorkel
I told my psychiatrist that I kept dreaming about two computer geeks. He said I was pair o' nerd.
—SGT Snorkel
When you have kidney stones, urine a heap of pain.
—The Tim Guy
I told the psychiatrist that I kept dreaming of large, crow-like birds. He said I was a raven lunatic.
—SGT Snorkel
I told my psychiatrist I kept dreaming about an ice cream and banana dessert. He told me I had a split personality.
—SGT Snorkel
A woman I know had a disease that actually improved the sound of her voice. She would often sing a lovely maladie.
—The Tim Guy
I told the doctor that I couldn't remember anything in the morning but by afternoon I was all right. He said I had AM-nesia.
—SGT Snorkel
There was this kid on his birthday, he was ten and he should have been turning eleven. But instead he turned nine. He went to the doctor and the doc immediatly knew what ailed the kid -- tendonitis (ten to nine-dis.)
—Conan Obrien rocks
That retired professor got a disease that usually afflicts Arabian Sheiks. He had Emiritis.
—SGT Snorkel
I told my psychiatrist, "I keep dreaming I'm at my keyboard and I enter the same vowel over and over." He said I was a Type A personality.
—SGT Snorkel
I don't know why the scientists and doctors are so amazed. Of course the birds flew.
—SGT Snorkel
When the magicians ate raw pork they got tricky noses.
—SGT Snorkel
I got sick after I visited the haunted house. The doctor says I have boobonic plague.
—SGT Snorkel
The four mobster friends all had terrible colds. They were as sick as thieves.
—SGT Snorkel
The hairdresser had a terrible cold. She coifed and coifed.
—SGT Snorkel
I only break wind when I am in an apartment. I guess that's why they call it flatulence.
—SGT Snorkel
I told the psychiatrist I dreamt I was nervous about receiving too many floral deliveries. He said it sounded like new roses.
—SGT Snorkel
I thought I would get dumber as I got older, but I seem to have wizened up.
—SGT Snorkel
The cowboy went insane after the bank repossessed his ranch. He was deranged.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend is really paranoid. He says everyone is either foe him or against him.
—SGT Snorkel
I have been fixating on my sore tooth all week. I have been abscessing about it.
—SGT Snorkel
The junior NCO had sore wrists. He had corporal tunnel syndrome.
—SGT Snorkel
When the Irishman couldn't get a date, the doctor suspected halitosis. He had Gaelic breath.
—SGT Snorkel
The actor was never quite right after he retired. He had Post Dramatic Stress Disorder.
—SGT Snorkel
I have a foot fetish but my girlfriend is lick toes intolerant.
—SGT Snorkel
When the demon tore his Achilles Tendon it hurt like heel.
—SGT Snorkel
The doctor thought I would be happy when he removed the cyst, but I was a sore loser.
—SGT Snorkel
I pulled a muscle while I was throwing rocks in France. I didn't realize that passing Gaul stones was so painful.
—SGT Snorkel
That Indian princess must be sick. She has a Rani nose.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend Albert loaned me some tools for driving nails. I keep forgetting to return them. I have Al's hammers.
—SGT Snorkel
Guys who don't understand why they should have prostate exams usually get it in the end.
—H Duncan
He keeps saying he is having "senior moments." That excuse is getting old.
—SGT Snorkel
The old beggar was sure that he would never fully recover from his broken leg. He said, "Mend I can't."
—SGT Snorkel
I asked him if he was addicted to fermented beverages. He said, "Why, no."
—SGT Snorkel
The doctor could not figure out what was ailing the spy. He had a secret cold.
—SGT Snorkel
The child with Attention Deficit Disorder started talking enigmatically. He was being treated with Riddlin'.
—SGT Snorkel
The hula dancer is sick. She has the swayin' flu.
—SGT Snorkel
Lance Armstrong is sick. He has the Schwinn flu. The kids on the playground are sick, too. They have the swing flu.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend, Charles, is very prone to air sickness. We all call him up Chuck.
—SGT Snorkel
My wife filed for divorce when I came down with the Measles. The vows said, "Til dots do us part..."
—SGT Snorkel
