A man was walking in the woods one day when a novel fell on his head. "What in the Dickens?" he shouted.
—Richard "Pun master"
Q: Why were the books afraid to sit on the shelf?
A: They had a Low shelf esteem.
—Lonnie Patrick Lapierre
Pinocchio loved her as much as any real boy wood.
—Hazelbite
If anyone ever tells you that a pun is the lowest form of humor, tell them poetry is verse.
—Julian Mukerji
The weight lifter liked reading short stories by O. Henry. He liked the irony. (I couldn't weight to tell that joke. Honest, I didn't steel that joke from anyone. I would have thought of a better one, but I was pressed for time.)
—SGT Snorkel
Every night I used to dream I had written Lord of the Rings. . . .then I realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
—Chocobed
Rapunzel's will left her entire estate to King Midas' daughter. The prince wanted her to revoke that will. He kept shouting, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your gold heir."
—SGT Snorkel
The Irish born author loved writing novels like Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake. It was one of James' joys.
—SGT Snorkel
Did you hear about the English poet who got his title due to his skill in foot races? You didn't? I thought everyone had heard of George Gordon, lord by run.
—SGT Snorkel
A teacher suggested I become a poet. I said I wouldn't know what to charge for my poems. After all, what are Wordsworth?
—SGT Snorkel
A poet vandalized my house one winter night. I woke up in the morning and all of my windows were covered with rhyme.
—SGT Snorkel
The poet was in arrears to my friends and me. As a way of payment he wrote a poem for each of them. He refused, however, to admit that I was ode anything.
—SGT Snorkel
The chimney sweep couldn't decide which one he liked better: Grate Expectations or One Flue Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The romanticist was partial to the latter because it was written by Ken Kissy.
—SGT Snorkel
That Roman poet was always getting in trouble. What a Juvenal delinquent.
—SGT Snorkel
I was at a wedding this past weekend. I gave the bride a volume of Shakespeare bound in blue leather. That took care of "Something Bard, something blue."
—SGT Snorkel
I have to learn to control myself. I made so much of a fuss at the Shakespeare festival that they Bard me from the theater.
—SGT Snorkel
I have been trying to imitate the style of my favorite 19th Century author. It is working. One editor said I was a very Poe writer.
—SGT Snorkel
A friend of mine has a donkey that writes the best poetry I have ever read. He must be the ars poetica.
—SGT Snorkel
I just read an unfinished book about a murder at Stonehenge. It's called The Mystery of Edwin Druid.
—SGT Snorkel
The poet asked me how wide my shoes were. I said, "They are EE, Cummings."
—SGT Snorkel
The author of The Lord of the Rings was recently heckled during a speech. The audience should have known not to interrupt him when he was Tolkien.
—Chalky
The Knights of the Round Table were talking about their recent dates one morning. The purest knight said, "Did you see the gal I had?"
—SGT Snorkel
Tolkien quickly revised his novel when he discovered that he had developed a bad Hobbit.
—punjab
The proof-readers' accomplishments were marginal.
—punjab
Sign at Shakespeare's local camping shop: "Now is the winter of our discount tents."
—Chalky
James Joyce's 'Ulysses' was written entirely without punctuation. This was due to the printer's deadline. They asked him to pull out all the stops.
—Chalky
The Spanish author would not bring refreshments to his uncles. He would only serve aunties.
—SGT Snorkel
Actually, Ceasar just caught a cold on the Ides of March. Remember, he said, "Achoo, Brute."
—SGT Snorkel
Harry Potter only passed his English exam because he was good at spelling.
—Chalky
In later life, author George Eliot wrote a book about a weaver who sold his business and went to sea. It was called "Silas Mariner."
—SGT Snorkel
My son and I were rating classical poetry using a numerical scale. After we read, "The Charge of the Light Brigade" I said to my boy, "That is a ten, son."
—SGT Snorkel
The two trains were going opposite directions but did not collide because they were on different tracks. East is east and west is west and never the trains shall meet.
—SGT Snorkel
The famous author from Missourri and his wife took separate vacations: one went to each coast. Of course, they never saw each other. East is east and west is west and never the Twains shall meet.
—SGT Snorkel
I just finished a book about a fellow who choked to death eating corn on the cob. It is called, "From Ear to Eternity."
—SGT Snorkel
When the army invaded the town, one of its divisions took over the electric plant. When the electric bills doubled, the general said, "Oh, its just the Charge of the Light Brigade."
—punjab
Brinker's skating exibition was called a "show of Hans."
—punjab
Words may come and words may go but puns are here to say.
—Mister Bob
The old man who thought he was a Spanish Knight couldn't talk. He was called dumb Quixote.
—SGT Snorkel
Mr. Shake was an accomplished playwright, but his friend and social equal was better. Everyone has heard of Shake's peer.
—SGT Snorkel
The other demons were teasing Charon about being nothing but a ferry boat operator. He said, "Styx and stones can break my bones..."
—SGT Snorkel
Sinclair Lewis considered writing a book about a group of incompent Indians. He was going to call it, "Arrows Miss."
—SGT Snorkel
Ironically, the brothers Grimm had a troll-free telephone number.
—punjab
Moby Dick was very obese. That's why they called him the "Great Wide Whale."
—SGT Snorkel
The stooge wanted the black bird to leave him. Quoth the raven, "Never, Moe."
—SGT Snorkel
I read a book about how to enjoy yourself in religious fringe groups. It was called The Joy of Sects.
—SGT Snorkel
It is a little known fact that the kingdom of Camelot had its own radio station. In fact, Sir Lancelot was in charge of the knightly news.
—punjab
If Ernest Hemingway had been a priest and if he had been appointed bishop then would he also have been pope since his bishopric would be Papa's See?
—SGT Snorkel
Charles Dickens always carried his children to school. He didn't want them to walk when they could ride the Boz.
—SGT Snorkel
I wrote a play about an Italian lawn care specialist. I call it, "Othello, the Mower of Venice."
—SGT Snorkel
The maiden was locked in the castle in a room full of straw and told she had to spin it into gold. When a little man appeared she thought he would help her but he spun the straw into broken pieces of rock. It turned out his name was Rubblestiltskin.
—SGT Snorkel
The author of "The Caine Mutiny" would relax by taking long Wouks.
—SGT Snorkel
Two little girls who liked one of the Little Women liked each other alot. In fact, they were Beth's friends.
—SGT Snorkel
If Hemingway had written about a bank account that had interest compounded daily would he have called it, "The Sum Also Rises?" If he wrote about a midget who found work in an alteration shop, would it be called, "The Runt Also Sizes?"
—SGT Snorkel
The Dickens character had trouble walking because his legs were bound together. That's why he was called Tie Knee Tim.
—SGT Snorkel
C.S. Lewis once wrote a series of books about a political convention in a fictional land. It's called, "They're Lyin' in Narnia."
—SGT Snorkel
When C.S. Lewis began working on his famous series, one of his colleagues asked him what he was doing. He glared at him and said, "It's Narnia business."
—SGT Snorkel
The little blue engine decided to make wicker furniture as a hobby. She kept saying, "I think I cane, I think I cane, I think I cane."
—SGT Snorkel
Brutus does not see Calphurnia. Marc Antony does not see Calphurnia. But Julius sees her.
—SGT Snorkel
Before he went on his adventure, the famous hobbit worked in a supermarket. It was fun to go to the Shire to see Bilbo baggin'.
—SGT Snorkel
Scientists have discovered that aliens have visited earth. They left behind some verse they had written. It is really beautiful. It is poetry in Martian.
—SGT Snorkel
If Edgar Allen Poe and Chaim Potok had written a story together would they have called it The Fall of the House of Asher?
—SGT Snorkel
How did Captain Nemo stay in his submarine so long if he had "20,000 Leaks Under the Sea?" That story doesn't hold water. I think Jules Verne was all wet.
—SGT Snorkel
Some people think Macbeth was crazy, but Shakespeare made it very clear in Act 1 that he was Thane.
—SGT Snorkel
The captain of the Nautilus angered his female sibling and she promptly got revenge. She was Nemo's sis.
—SGT Snorkel
When the poetess died, she went to meter maker.
—SGT Snorkel
Mr. Rochester's governess has fainted? Stand back and give Jane air!
—SGT Snorkel
My mother's Italian sister wrote a book of fiction. It is a Rome aunt's novel.
—Paul JSvBFCM
In a not-so-famous Jack London sequel, Buck leaves the sled team to join a flock of sheep. It is called The Call of the Wooled.
—SGT Snorkel
If Mark Twain and J.M. Barrie had co-written a book, would the villain have been named Captain Huck?
—SGT Snorkel
The little blue locomotive was sure she could decide which computer image to click on. "I think icon, I think icon..."
—SGT Snorkel
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater wanted to go high tech. The first thing he bought was a gourdless phone.
—SGT Snorkel
When Prometheus lost his job he told his wife they would have to Titan their belts.
—SGT Snorkel
In a not so famous sequel, Richard Adams wrote a long book about what happened after the fighting ceased at Watership Down. He called it Warren Peace.
—SGT Snorkel
The Three Musketeers were thrown out of the AA meeting. They kept shouting, "All for wine and wine for all."
—Sgt Snorkel
During the rainy season I spread out large books for my guests to dry their feet on. These are the tomes that dry men's soles.
—SGT Snorkel
The Titan was dawdling along. The others said, "Hey, Atlas, what's the hold up?"
—SGT Snorkel
I did not realize that the famous children's author was a Latino until I heard one of his friends shout, "Hey, Seuss."
—SGT Snorkel
If Umberto Eco wrote a novel set in a vineyard he might call it "The Name of the Rose'".
—SGT Snorkel
The girl in the library saw a red tail.
—Puddles - Huddles
I am related to some creatures in the Middle Earth. If you don't believe it I will introduce you to my Ent Jane.
—SGT Snorkel
Aldous Huxley wrote a book about an Indian who went to the Happy Hunting Ground but the only animals there were African Antelope. He called it "Brave Gnu World."
—SGT Snorkel
The editor took a lot out of my manuscript. He cut a great dele.
—SGT Snorkel
When Marley's spirit asked if he could spend the night, Scrooge said, "Sure, be my ghost."
—SGT Snorkel
That Shakespeare Festival was very dull. I was Bard to death.
—SGT Snorkel
Henry James considered writing a story about a ghostly shore bird that was haunting a ship. He was going to call it "The Tern of the Crew."
—SGT Snorkel
Robert Heinlein wrote a story about a discount brothel. He called it "Dime Enough for Love."
—SGT Snorkel
Hemingway once wrote a story about a boy who always got up at the same time as his father. He called it, "The Son Also Rises."
—SGT Snorkel
Hemingway wrote a story about a flood in Paris. He called it, "The Seine Also Rises."
—SGT Snorkel
Hemingway wrote a story about some workers erecting a billboard along the interstate. He called it, "The Sign Also Rises."
—SGT Snorkel
The visitor from Melmac enjoyed "The Charge of the Light Brigade." ALF read Lord Tennyson.
—SGT Snorkel
I am surprised that Laura Ingalls Wilder didn't say more about her pony in the book, "Little Horse on the Prairie."
—SGT Snorkel
One night during a full moon Hamlet turned into a werewolf. As he gazed up at the beautiful moon he came up with the line, "To bay or not to bay..."
—SGT Snorkel
Every time I worry that I am falling behind on my bills, I re-read Donne's poem, "Debt be Not Proud."
—SGT Snorkel
I thought that Hercules only had to perform eleven labors. Apparently I was myth informed.
—SGT Snorkel
One Christmas, Scrooge was haunted by little toy soldiers he had broken many years before. He was haunted by the ghosts of the Christmas presents.
—SGT Snorkel
Scrooge did not hate Christmas, he hated a port city in Germany. He kept saying, "Bah! Hamburg!" (Or did he hate ground beef? Bah! Hamburger!)
—SGT Snorkel
