Q: What do you call a government consisting of doctors?
A: A medicine cabinet.
—Captain Moo the Magnificent
I was in the Doctor's waiting room the other day, when he suddenly came from his office and started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
I asked the nurse, "What's going on?"
"Oh, The doctor likes to call the shots."
—Donald Frazier
The nurse said, "I've got something different for you."
"Oh, what is it?"
"A New Monia shot!"
—Donald Frazier
We have a nurse here at the nursing home who is always taking things. Just now, she took my pulse. Yesterday she took my blood.
—Donald Frazier
Picabo Street recently donated a large sum of money to a local hospital. The hospital decided to name their Intensive Care Unit in her honor: They now call it the Picabo I.C.U.
—Michael Farabaugh
The latest news in the pharmaceutical industry is a tranquilizer, known in the industry as Damitol.
—Gray Safford
I bought a case of anti-anxiety medicine for a relatively cheap price. You could say that I got a Valium discount.
—SGT Snorkel
I told my doctor that I could sew stitches better than he could. So, he said, "Suture self."
—The Tim Guy
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
—The Tim Guy
A man walked into a doctor's office totally naked except for a wrap of cling-film around his genitals. The doctor took one look and exclaimed, "I can clearly see your nuts."
—Chris Hawkes
I once studied to become a back specialist. To pay my way through school I worked administering written tests to sorority women. I was a Chi Rho proctor.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: Why did the sullen oncologist get fired?
A: He had no sense of tumor.
—Tania R. Chase
I generally support medical procedures but objected to the idea of getting an injection. The doctor said I was being hypo critical.
—SGT Snorkel
I have been eating little bits of metal for the last 3 weeks. My doctor told me I needed a staple diet.
—Chalky
The hospital closed the maternity ward when they discovered evidence of child labor.
—punjab
A heart surgeon will never bypass a good oprotunity.
—Gustave
The exercise guru came out with a salve for aching muscles. He called it the Balm of Gilad.
—SGT Snorkel
They say that congenital post-nasal drip runs in the family.
—punjab
With the great advancements being made in robotics and prosthetics, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump before paraplegics can walk again.
—Acy
The cleanest place in the world is in Russia. Everyone has heard of Orel hygiene.
—SGT Snorkel
While visiting England I fell and broke my elbow. The doctor wouldn't treat me, though. He said the Hippocratic Oath stated that he should do no 'arm.
—SGT Snorkel
You show me any two M.D.s who have lowered their fees and I'll show you a paradox.
—punjab
The ladies' shoe salesman took special care to make sure their shoes fit. . . Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.
—punjab
When the Hospital Administrator was asked to comment on the decrease in the average height of his medical personnel, he said, "It's understandable. There's a shortage of nurses, you know."
—punjab
Ophthalmologists' comedic pastime: vitreous humor.
—punjab
I don't know if that heart specialist is very helpful. His motto is, "I came, I saw, I conferred."
—SGT Snorkel
Diet clinics take my breadth away.
—punjab
The yogi dentist mastered the art of trance-dental medication.
—punjab
My doctor is a cancer specialist and is on call 24 hours a day. He is an on-call-ogist.
—The Tim Guy
The doctor didn't ask my age, height or weight; he just wanted to know what I ate. I guess he needed my vittle statistics.
—SGT Snorkel
Have you heard of tricanosis? It's an ailment common to magicians.
—Paula Hrbacek
Use a condom, or consequences are to be born.
—Natasa
Don't yell through the screen door. You'll strain your voice.
—David Krein
Since most of their patients are advanced in age, shouldn't hearing specialists be called oldiologists?
—SGT Snorkel
That prosthetic device is used. It is definitely second hand.
—SGT Snorkel
The doctor told me I needed a colonoscopy. I said, "Butt why?"
—SGT Snorkel
I was going to be a doctor but I didn't have the patience.
—james
If I wanted to have patience, I would have been a doctor.
—Les from Sea Cliff
The swine flu should be called the H2 flu. After all, it is H1'n1.
—SGT Snorkel
I always make sure I have a clean straw when I drink soda. I believe in safe sucks.
—SGT Snorkel
There's a new medical product out if you have a cut. No band-aids required. It's called Suture Self.
—Jeff
The dietitian fell in love with her obese client. She said, "How do I love thee, let me count the weighs."
—SGT Snorkel
Q: What do you call an Egyptian bone specialist?
A: Cairo-practor, unless he's in de Nile.
—Neil Shafer
I had a chest infection, so I went to the Doctor. She prescribed antibiotics but had no wheezin for a chest x-ray.
—Joseph Grimley
Get back to Bay 6 and your quality of life will improve.
—Luis
Most guys don't understand why having a prostate exam is important, but usually they get it in the end.
—Howard Duncan
