I was so bright as a child that my daddy called me son.
—Charles McGlothlin
My mother-in-law was very upset when she couldn't find her late husband's resting place, as the park rangers had re-located it. It was a moving, grave situation.
—Funky Munky
First I find out that my wife is pregnant, Now my hungry children are saying "Please fetus." . . .
—Freak on a Leash
My friends call me illiterate, but I maintain that my parents were married by the time I was born.
—The Tim Guy
I wanted a nap, but my child kept crawling on me. What a torture to be tired and fathered!
—SGT Snorkel
The wife was cleaning the window when her husband came home. "Hold your hand on the glass," she told him.
He did.
"Can you feel it?" she asked.
"Feel what?"
"The pane."
—Peter Schmidt
Sunbeam: A big smile from your little boy.
—Joseph Leff
Q: There was a Mexican fireman and he had two twin kids; guess what he named them?
A: Jose and Hose B.
—Scripture3:16Pilot747
Bob: My dad was born in Indiana.
Matt: So, does that make him a Hoosier daddy?!
—Mary Proietti
Q: What do you tell a person whose spouse is leaving him?
A: May divorce be with you. . .
—Acy
When he told his father about how he had been scammed by a side-show performer, his dad replied, "I told you to beware of Geeks bearing Grifts."
—punjab
I knew a child who was small and homely. Now he grew some.
—SGT Snorkel
In winter time, my cousins in Minnesota would sit in the sauna and then with no clothes on would run and jump in the snow while singing "Gone we now our day apparel."
—The Tim Guy
My Mom is kinda Fonda the movie "On Golden Pond"
—The Tim Guy
It was time for my uncle to take a gamble with marriage and aunty up.
—The Tim Guy
True story: My wife and I met as a result of the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake. My sister says it was our fault.
—The Tim Guy
Making hamburgers for my dad, I was the bun son burner.
—Jerry Lyles
I asked the little girl if the older lady was her Grandmother. She said, "No, she's my doter."
—SGT Snorkel
The two pyromaniacs got married. When they caught their little boy playing with matches they said, "That's our son."
—SGT Snorkel
The parents of the multiple birth babies had to buy five of everything. It was quint essential equipment.
—SGT Snorkel
Some people marry for love, some people marry for wealth. That is why it is known as match or money.
—SGT Snorkel
My grandma's mother could speak very well. We called her great grammar.
—SGT Snorkel
To a pregnant woman: "Mommy, Mommy, there's no womb in here."
—cookie monster
The little boy was upset that he kept getting foam balls for Christmas and his birthdays. He said, "A nerf is a nerf."
—SGT Snorkel
Police were called to a nursery where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
—Punned It
That English boy is just like his father. He is a chip off the old bloke.
—SGT Snorkel
The man died before he was able to write his estranged daughter out of the will. Death before disown her.
—SGT Snorkel
My aunt's son and I used to do a lot of shoplifting. We were foist cousins.
—SGT Snorkel
The African tribal chief's roof caved in, and his throne, which he has stored in his attic fell on his head, killing him. This proves the validity of the old adage: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
—Robert
Every member of the family knew that they had to become a spy. It was a clan destine operation.
—SGT Snorkel
I divorced my wife when she lost her hearing. I didn't want to, but the vows said, "...Til deaf do us part."
—SGT Snorkel
For little Johnny's 4th birthday his parents bought him a toylet.
—Luis
