This morning I witnessed an armed robbery. The thug was running right at me with a knife in one hand and a gun in the other. He didn't know whether to cut across the street or shoot up the alley.
—Richard Mushtare
A male patient escaped from a secure mental institution, burst into a laundry, and raped two of the female workers. The following morning, the local newspaper headline read as follows: "Nut Screws Washer And Bolts.
—Graham Phipps
The funeral director refused to offer his services to a convicted felon. The man then threatened him and said that he would suffer grave consequences for not catering to his family's needs.
—Macross
A coin collector was proud of his huge collection of historic American coins. One of his favorites was an one-penny piece with a woman in a feather bonnet on it. He showed the coin to his friends and was arrested for an Indian cent exposure.
—Sally Carreras
There was a crash yesterday involving a prison van and a cement mixer. All of the prisoners in the van escaped. The police say they are looking for seven hardened criminals.
—Oomakoo
Swedish armed robbers favor the sauna-off.
—Dobbin
The police arrested an Asian man for looking into people's windows. He was a Peking Tom.
—NineRonRon
Did you hear about the midget, psychic prisoner who escaped from jail? It seems that there is a small medium at large.
—Brine
Headline: Energizer Bunny Arrested—Charged With Battery
—Eric Clark
I was galvanized to steel the metal container.
—Edward Evangelidi
The burglar came intruder window.
—Ed Early
The robber took a shower after holding up the bank. he wanted to get a clean get away.
—Alex Ng
When I got home last night, my door had been kicked in and there were M-16's, M-1's, Springfields, and Mausers laying all over the place. I called the police and told them someone had rifled my apartment.
—SGT Snorkel
Catching a Frenchman urinating in public, the police offer said, "European in the wrong place!"
—Larry Putt
I'll never date an ex-con. I can't stand a man who always used to hang around in bars.
—Branden Sphar
Q: You know the anthem for celebrities who get thrown in jail to serve life sentences?
A: Stars in Stripes forever.
—Branden Sphar
Q: How were they able to catch the cranberry burglar?
A: They caught him red-handed.
—Branden Sphar
One more bad joke like that and it's the punitentiary for you!
—Edward Evangelidi
The prison publisher put out a new book by the inmates. It is titled, Prose and Cons.
—The Tim Guy
The guard dog at the U.S. Mint caught the criminal's cent.
—Edward Evangelidi
The drunk driver was accident free—boy, was he was wreckless!
—$ E.money $
Because the man was caught in the act of beating his money, the district attorney saw it fit to charge him with capital punishment.
—Christian Francis Michael Alsis
When the prisoner died, he was reincarnated as a stereo cabinet. What a fitting afterlife for a con soul!
—SGT Snorkel
That despicable, churlish fellow was robbed on his way home. What a cur muggin'!
—SGT Snorkel
A prison in Texas is looking for sponsor for their electric chair executions. I guess they must be strapped for cash.
—Chalky
A battery and a firework were arrested last week. One was charged and the other was let off.
—Chalky
After throwing a nine volt at my friend, he charged me with battery.
—Scott Wilson
The prixon upholstered its electric chair. The judge called for death by electro cushion.
—SGT Snorkel
When the state trooper pulled me over he said I was speeding and that I did not have a device for seeing behind me. He gave me a mirror and a warning.
—SGT Snorkel
In the process of a burgulary, the criminal spilled powdered sugar all over the baker's donuts. This was, as you know, an example of white cruller crime.
—punjab
When the prisoner's escape tunnel was discovered, he was given five extra years for bad con-duct.
—punjab
They arrested the sky-diving photographer when he reached the ground. The charge was in descent exposure.
—SGT Snorkel
Three robbers stole a toiliet and left no evidence, so the police had nothing to go on.
—Ben Boi
The diligent bank robber soon attained the heist of success.
—punjab
The mason was arrested for having an unregistered mausoleum in his back yard. He was charged with bricking and interring.
—SGT Snorkel
I threw a brick through a department store window. When the police got there, they asked me why I did it. I said I was tired and I needed arrest.
—SGT Snorkel
The National Scofflaw Society has just awarded the outstanding warrant of the year.
—punjab
"This just in. An idiot has robbed the First National Bank. Moron this at six."
—SGT Snorkel
I could not afford to buy cotton so I decided to steel wool.
—SGT Snorkel
After the police accused the man of arson. He fired back, "Now, exactly what are you incinerating?"
—The Tim Guy
I found some money in my washing machine. I hope I don't get caught for money laundering.
—TheTim Guy
The young female stole the perfume bottle. That was a fragrant violation.
—The Tim Guy
The two mathematicians were arrested for running an illegal math lab.
—The Tim Guy
When the medical lab thought that some cultures of a bacteria that causes sore throats had been stolen they decided to strep search everyone.
—SGT Snorkel
The prisoner was overjoyed when he looking at a lighter sentence.
—The Tim Guy
He played his radio so loud that hew was arrested for crime out loud.
—The Tim Guy
I was working as a hitting instructor for the local little league when I got arrested. I was charged with aiding in a batting.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend said he was willing to wager that I would not assist him in a robbery. I said, "That's a bet."
—SGT Snorkel
The executioner's trade magazine was called US Noose and World Report.
—SGT Snorkel
On the day he was refused early release, the prisoner received a gift subscription to a famous photography magazine. He had been given Life without parole.
—SGT Snorkel
The Detective knew the criminal was stuck on something while interrogating him. Luckily, he was caught on tape.
—elvis
The student claimed someone had stolen his Latin homework on the way to school. Police are looking for a parse snatcher.
—SGT Snorkel
When the unmarried lady was caught shoplifting she admitted her miss take.
—SGT Snorkel
My wife tried to slip poison into my hot cereal. I think she's oat to get me.
—SGT Snorkel
After about three months, the parolee next door tried to convince me to join him on his next crime spree. I guess they are right. Familiarity breeds con tempt.
—SGT Snorkel
When the artist was murdered the police tried to find a motif.
—SGT Snorkel
I support both of my wives in a lavish manner. I think that's big o' me.
—SGT Snorkel
The thief was arrested as he left the fortune teller's house. He was caught read handed.
—SGT Snorkel
I knew a convicted killer once. One day he was very calm, the next day he was high strung.
—SGT Snorkel
I knew I had gone too far when I cheated the convicted gem smuggler. I had crossed the ruby con.
—SGT Snorkel
When the prisoner died just before his parole they put him in a halfway hearse.
—SGT Snorkel
He fathered seven boys and each one became a convicted murderer. They were the seven deadly sons.
—SGT Snorkel
When the prisoner was told by his lawyer that he had received a stay of execution, he smiled and said, "Well, no noose is good noose."
—SGT Snorkel
A prostitute walking the streets one night bumped into a bi-sexual man who was confused about which gender he wanted to be with that evening. The prostitute shook her head and walked on, figuring it would be best to let bi-Johns be bi-Johns.
—Jeffrey B. Burton
That dumb gangster never leaves his small area of the city. What a block hood!
—SGT Snorkel
After the two Mafia families agreed that shared possession of the island was the best compromise they could reach, they stopped fighting each other and signed an agreement for a long-lasting piece.
—Luis
The psychic midget criminal was considered by police to be a Small Medium at Large.
—Matt
