When the farmer finished feeding the cows, he said, "Hay!"
—Squeaks
When I kicked the dolphin, my friend asked me if it was on poirpose.
—Matt Radigan
The rabbit was trapped in the jaws of a wolf. It was a hairy situation.
—Brian Powell
When he returned home, the man noticed that all his birds were gone. He suspected fowl play.
—Malte
Did you hear that NASA just recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the heard shot round the world.
—Sharii Ann
Q: Why do we call a dollar a buck?
A: It's doe.
—Sally Carreras
Two fishermen were doing their job when one of them caught a great-white shark. When they cut the shark open, they were surprised to find a pair of pants full of money. One of the fishermen immediately exclaimed, "Hey look, we found a fishful of dollars!"
—Beowulf45
A rabbit was crossing a meadow: Defeat went over defence before detail.
—Donald Frazier
A family of dolphins walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey we don't serve dolphins at this establishment." One of the dolphins replied, "You're doing this on porpoise, aren't you?"
—Bryan Howe
A pack of hungry wolves had suronded the skunk family. Mother skunk said, "Let us spray."
—Donald Frazier
. . . of course, an impotent snake has a reptile dysfunction.
—R.S.G.
Stamp out racehorse doping. Just say "Neigh."
—David Early
Q: Why is Superman always seen with a chicken?
A: He never goes anywhere without his cape on.
—Kathy T.
I used to have straw in my shoes until my calves went down and ate it.
—Billy Hayden
The octopus eight another fish.
—Josh Amunrud
Q: How do wingless ants fly?
A: They use anty aircraft, of course.
—Petershop
Q: What will happen if a cat swallows some coins?
A: There will be some money in the kitty.
—Donald Frazier
My lizard's name is "Tiny." You see, he's my newt.
—Lin Richardson
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon, went up to the counter, and said to the bartender, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
—Jake Peterson
Q: Why are prawns the least popular animals in the ocean?
A: They're so shellfish.
—Steve Portwine
The image of you playing frisbee with a dog isn't so farfetched.
—Jose Caldas
Q: What's the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings?
A: It's a matter of a pinion.
—Jason Siegel
Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
—Erin
The snakelike fish was well read on a wide variety of subjects. He was an eclectic eel.
—SGT Snorkel
Two vultures were boarding an airliner. Each one had a dead skunk and a dead possum under each wing. The stewardess said, "Sorry, only one carrion per passenger!"
—Kip Gonzales
You have two stomachs? Holy cow!
—Captain Brandino Howdy
After being challenged by his friends, the pig tried to take a bite out of my arm. Don't worry. It's just the dare of the hog that bit me.
—SGT Snorkel
Did you know that in 1850 the first all-white Dalmatian dog was spotted?
—Nicholas Slate
I can't believe the watch dog was fired from his duty for having ticks.
—Branden Sphar
My horse went berserk when I moved him out onto the field. He was too unstable.
—Branden Sphar
If I was a racehorse, my life would be on track.
—Branden Sphar
Everyone knows you can't milk a cow from her nose; you milk it from the udder end. Try it, it's a mooving experience.
—The Tim Guy
The Neutered Animals Society of America, otherwise known as NASA, has a new pick-up and delivery service for animals about to be neutered or spayed. They call it the "NASA Spay Shuttle."
—The Tim Guy
I'm the way I am because I've never understood my mutter, and my fodder got eaten by a cow.
—The Tim Guy
The golden-colored horse really liked the actor named Sal. He was a pal o' Mineo.
—SGT Snorkel
Honey bees mine their own beeswax.
—The Tim Guy
Q: What did the zoo keeper say to the police officer after the large African antelopes escaped?
A: "Well, officer, it's like this, I've got some good gnus and I've got some bad gnus!"
—Wild E. Coyote
Why did the agency in charge of eliminating the hawks from our zoo call themselves the ad hoc committee?
—The Tim Guy
A friend wanted to know if I would write a joke about bovine draft animals. I said, "No, and don't ox me again. It's not my kine of humor." He called me a coward.
—SGT Snorkel
I just wrote a song about a Korean cat. I call it "O Seoul Meow."
—SGT Snorkel
My dog gives me a condescending look every time I pet him. Of course, he is a great deign.
—SGT Snorkel
I told my psychiatrist I kept dreaming I was an insect that was afraid of decaying yard waste. He told me I was non-compost mantis.
—SGT Snorkel
I am attracted to small, depressed song birds. And why not? Even Odysseus had trouble resisting the sigh wrens.
—SGT Snorkel
I was visiting a farm and a Jersey cow stepped on my foot. I said, "Ow now, brown cow."
—SGT Snorkel
When the Elephant sneezes, is it oatmeal? No, it's not. . . .
—Norm941
Why wasn't the constipated termite accepted to college? He couldn't pass his boards, of course.
—Douglas Woolley
Libation for multiple amphibians: "Froggy, froggy brew."
—Punjab
The wildebeest was assassinated because he gnu too much.
—punjab
When Santa's Christmas Eve flight suddenly stopped in mid-air, Santa exclaimed, "Oh no! It's going to rain deer!
—punjab
Q: What was unusual about the Tibetan rooster?
A: Himalayan.
—punjab
They said he was a smart farmer but he knew nothing about bovine draft animals. What an ox moron.
—SGT Snorkel
The aquarium director thought something was wrong with the whale's fluke, but the veterinarian said it was fine. I guess all's well that ends whale.
—SGT Snorkel
I crossed a Kodiak with a fish. I got a bearacuda. Or, I crossed a stripper with a fish. I got a bare cutie.
—SGT Snorkel
I once worked on a cattle ranch. If I worked overtime, they paid me time and a hoof.
—SGT Snorkel
There is a sale on at my local pet shop. There are some birds going cheap.
—Chalky
"Tabby or not to tabby," said the expectant tom.
—peter haselgrove
My dog is sniffing another dog's butt. It's alright; he's just looking up an old friend.
—Chalky
The fish was easily caught; because when he was in school, he was the only one who took debate.
—punjab
I tried to teach my dog to stay on our lawn but finally gave up and built a dog run. I guess the pen is mightier than the sward.
—SGT Snorkel
The bad thing about skunks is that they don't have common scents.
—punjab
When farmer Brown saw the words, "omnia porcini oinkus" on the side of the sty, he realized that it was just pig latin.
—punjab
Words to Remember: "If you pluck chickens for a living, you're bound to get down on your self now and then."
—punjab
Due to injuries, the only remaining replacement on the rowing team was a duck. As a result, the Captain made a monumental decision. "Eider oar."
—punjab
When the big race was over, the tortoise retired; but the hare was still looking for other turtles to overcome.
—punjab
A fellow had a gull-like sea bird I wanted. For payment I wrote him an original poem. Everyone thought I had taken a tern for the verse.
—SGT Snorkel
The farmer had a wreck while taking his prize hen to the fair. He lost the hen and his right arm. Sadly, he shook his head and said, "No arm, no fowl."
—SGT Snorkel
The reason pigs behave the way they do is that they are the product of an effluent society.
—punjab
When they outlawed cock fighting at the county fair, some enterprising fellows started gaming gull-like sea birds. Everyone knows that tern bout is fair play.
—SGT Snorkel
When the crustaceon kept criticizing me I had to take action. I ate clam chider.
—punjab
The speeding armadillo was arrested after the police ran a check on his plates.
—punjab
When the pheasant discovered that he was being tracked, he put on his game face.
—punjab
Two fleas on a dog talking: "Hey, Ed, come up here to the ears. They're mighty tasty."
"Sorry, Fred, I'm on the waggin' this week."
—punjab
My dog said he could beat me up. I told him to prove it. So, he proceeded to give me a licking.
—SGT Snorkel
Favorite reading of sea urchins: Kelp wanted ads.
—punjab
When the elderly salmon became depressed, his friend offered him a bottle of fine French wine, saying, "Life is a cabernet, old Chum."
—punjab
That big dog of mine really thinks logically. He is a sane Bernard.
—SGT Snorkel
Elephants and Donkeys aren't just party animals.
—punjab
The results of the animal heavyweight boxing championship were announced in the paper. The headline read, "The Duck Stops Hare."
—punjab
Why are peacocks so showy? Attention to detail.
—punjab
The veterinarian became an ophthalmological specialist. Now he treats pig sties.
—punjab
Morris the cat was walking in his yard when he was accosted by a group of large blackbirds. He finally said, "When are you guys going to leave?" Quoth the raven, "Never, Moe."
—punjab
The wizard skunk cast a magic smell over his enemies.
—punjab
Cleopatra's pet had villainous asp-irations.
—punjab
There is a new affliction common to fixh collectors. It's called guppy love.
—punjab
When the distillery accidentally spilled some of its product in the creek, the fish were laughing all the way to the bank.
—punjab
The zookeeper was on his deathbed. He had made arrangements for all of the animals except his African antelope. He decided to will da beast.
—SGT Snorkel
A woman so loved her kitty that when it died she took it to a taxidermist to have its head mounted on a plaque. The taxidermist got confused and stuffed the wrong end. The woman looked at the result and said, "This is a cat-ass-trophy".
—David Early
When the clam was unable to find his friend, he sang out in desperation, "Has Anybody Steamed My Pal?"
—punjab
The movie lion was ineffective because of the non-compete claws.
—punjab
If your neighbor's wife is mean to your dog, don't let your Doberman Pinscher.
—punjab
The moth loved wool, but didn't cotton to the rest of the fabrics.
—punjab
Farmer Brown tried raising hyenas, but they quickly became the laughing stock of the barnyard.
—punjab
That doe really loved the buck. He was her hart's desire.
—SGT Snorkel
A farmer bought an emu but he had nowhere to keep it so he put it in with the chickens. They refused to speak to it because it was so much bigger than them. After a few weeks it was feeling ostrich sized.
—Malcolm Marr
A rare virus has been discovered which attacks only cows. It is leading to udder devastation.
—punjab
The large group of cattle moved silently across the range. Not a sound could be herd.
—SGT Snorkel
When farmer Brown's pigs taste-tested his new brand of slop, they gave it their squeal of approval.
—punjab
When the FBI bugged Daffy's house, all they got was duck tape.
—punjab
My mate told such an unlikely fishing story, but I gave him the benefit of the trout.
—Greg Slater
Mongo the monkey was having marital troubles. The marriage counselor said it was all about gibbon take.
—The Pun-isher
Bear with me while I paws to think of another punderful one-liner...
—johnny boss
The Serengeti National Park in Africa has just built a large beauty parlor. That's where the female elephants go to dye.
—punjab
The ants in the house planned their counter attack in the kitchen.
—The Tim Guy
I cut off all of the hair on my collie. I know, you are probably asking what fur.
—The Tim Guy
After the cow went to the chiropractors office for back pain, he was put out to posture.
—The Tim Guy
After the cow graduated from the seminary, he was put out to pastor.
—The Tim Guy
Hugh was a real ladies bull. He was known around ranches as Hugh Heffer.
—The Tim Guy
All I ever hear my wife say to our dog is good dog, good dog. That dog sure is a goody-four-shoes.
—The Tim Guy
We were so impressed with the artistic ability of our dogs, we applauded and asked them to bow. Wow!
—The Tim Guy
What was the stray calf's favorite song? "Dogie from Muskogee."
—SGT Snorkel
Ever since I got that mutt from the dog pound, I haven't had any sniffles, fevers, or aches. I think I found the cur for the common cold.
—SGT Snorkel
My pet Billy Goat is very tame. I named him Parkay because he is not a butter. Just kidding. Don't get gruff with me.
—SGT Snorkel
Hamlet didn't know how many flying insects had stung him. That's why he said, "Two bees or not two bees."
—SGT Snorkel
Even though food was plentiful, the whale was depressed and wanted to end it all. He said, "Goodbye, krill world." Okay, okay, I admit that I am prawn to writing bad puns. Any more fish puns and I will be called SGT Snorkeel.
—SGT Snorkel
The playful water mammal was hungry. He said, "I otter get something to eat."
—SGT Snorkel
The monkeys kept teasing the brightly colored bird until he swore revenge. He said, "Toucan play at this game."
—SGT Snorkel
Groundhogs are not only good for predicting weather, they can also predict the winners and losers of Broadway awards. I mean, every one has heard of Picks a Tony Phil.
—SGT Snorkel
The pig went all around the barnyard, bragging about how tough he was. Finally the baby chicken said, "Talk is cheep."
—SGT Snorkel
What is the difference between a scuba diver and a good student? The student is always hoping for one moray.
—SGT Snorkel
That toothless cow sure is smart. She graduated Gumma Cud Loudly.
—SGT Snorkel
My friend makes me babysit his pet parrot every week. He never hesitates giving me the bird every chance he gets.
—elvis
I was on a safari when I came face to face with a large black cat who was breathing rapidly. I was terrified. After all, I'd never seen a panter before.
—SGT Snorkel
That poisonous spider likes to take chances. He is a Brown Reckless.
—SGT Snorkel
Dean Martin had been fishing. I asked him what the long snake-like fish was. He said, "That's a moray."
—SGT Snorkel
While petting my cat, I noticed that the noise he was making sounded out of order. I realized I was hearing a purr mutation.
—SGT Snorkel
Those young bovines and their mothers were all mooing at a different pitch. What a cowcalfony of sound!
—SGT Snorkel
The shark was very particular about what he ate. He was finicky. The shark that became an insurance agent was good at finagling deals. Okay, I'm finished.
—SGT Snorkel
The deer who became a tennis pro was great at cervine. The crow who became a sculptor was great at corvine.
—SGT Snorkel
Can you put the fish away?
Bait a minute!
—ANNIE
Whenever I see one of my four-legged friends I say, "Moo." I believe you should always be kine to animals.
—SGT Snorkel
When the fish started going deaf he got a herring aid.
—SGT Snorkel
The drunk bought a leather strap to lead his dog around with. He muttered, "It's the leash I could do."
—SGT Snorkel
Would those dogs in Virginia be called Vick-tims?
—SGT Snorkel
If I ever get a pet chicken, I'm going to name her Lava. Because at least part of the time she'll be moltin.
—Phydeaux
I was hiking in the woods when I came face to face with a quartet of ursine animals. They didn't do anything to me. I guess they granted me forbearance.
—SGT Snorkel
The zoo wanted to hire the truck driver to haul the sick African Antelopes to the veterinarian. He declined. He didn't want to be the bearer of bad gnus.
—SGT Snorkel
After the shepherd retired he felt ewes less.
—SGT Snorkel
I thought I had discovered a new species of duck at the elderhostel, but it turned out to be an old coot.
—pjschleitwilerfcm
Some schools of fishes are very well organized. You have heard about cod of conduct.
—SGT Snorkel
Horses and Pigs are great neigh-boars at a farm.
—STEven Uchi
Q: How do pinnipeds communicate?
A: With seal phones.
—SGT Snorkel
My pet bird can predict the future. He is an omen pigeon.
—SGT Snorkel
The bears had lived in the same caves their entire lives. They were denizens.
—SGT Snorkel
An excellent name for a dog is Peve. That way it can be introduced as my pet peve.
—Gary D.
Those simian figure skaters are very good. They make prime eights.
—SGT Snorkel
The chicken almost died. She had an out of biddy experience.
—SGT Snorkel
I'm having a very bad day today. You could almost say bugs are biting me, but other people are pestering me as well.
—Puddles - Huddles
Smartly dressed poultry would be called chic hens.
—SGT Snorkel
"It's raining cats and dogs outside."
"I know. I almost stepped in a poodle."
—Punned It
Q: Why was the elephant sitting on an orange outside the tabernacle?
A: It was waiting for the juice to come out.
—Punned It
Why does the rabbit like jewelry? Because its 21 carrot.
—Bob Leonard
The lion is eager. He is roarin' to go.
—SGT Snorkel
After the ferocious feline lost all of his money, he was no longer scary. He was a pauper lion.
—SGT Snorkel
She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew 'er!
—Joe Nagle
When I bought the flowering shrubs, the nurseryman gave me some flying insects to help pollinate them. He didn't charge for them. They were free bees.
—SGT Snorkel
My dog's favorite drink is Curs Beer
—SGT Snorkel
Why are roosters always poor? Because a fowl and his money are soon parted.
—SGT Snorkel
That bull is really mean. He is rotten to the gore.
—SGT Snorkel
My sled dog never makes a sound. He is a male mute.
—SGT Snorkel
After her piglet's French lesson, the sow purchased, on the sly, a tiny version of a popular gaming console that the little fellow had been wanting. He, of course, saw the bag, and it was thus, little piggy went "Wee Wii, Oui?" all the way home.
—Bill Malone
Q: When the male and female horse got married and were fit for their trip, where did they go?
A: A bridle shop!
—EMILY SOIFER
The beaver went to Pizza Hut and got a Personal Pine Pizza.
—SGT Snorkel
My dog wanted a new scent in his dog house so he bought a pooh-pourri.
—SGT Snorkel
The dog owner knew he would never have a dog that was better than his Terrier. He said, "The Skye's the limit."
—SGT Snorkel
Q: What would you call it when small birds refurbish their homes?
A: Wrenovations!
—David R. Yale from BestPuns.com
Q: If 10 killer bees were after you, and you managed to swat just one of them, why would you be out of danger?
A: Because then they'd be nine!
—David R. Yale from BestPuns.com
The young eagle scratched his little brother. The little eagle shouted, "I'm talon Mom!"
—SGT Snorkel
Q: What puts you to sleep on the 6th Sunday after Lent?
A: The ether bunny.
—SGT Snorkel
The other day I saw cow dressed in a skirt. It looked udderly ridiculous.
—milvmilvmilv
The baby bird never lived up to his parent's expectations. He was the black cheep of the family.
—SGT Snorkel
