Q: What has four I's but can't see?
A: The Mississippi.
—Chicken
A man walked into a bar. It hurt.
—Toddlewhopper Flappyface III
Q: What did they call Kermit the Frog after the stork ate him?
A: X-Kermit the frog!
—Barandn
Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?
A: it's been nice gnawing you!
—K. Concannon
Q: Why are tennis players not allowed in libraries?
A: They always make a racket!
—Phil
Q: What do you call a dyslexic atheist with insomnia?
A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
—Joan Engelbart
Did you hear about the frog who had a lobotomy to correct his speech impediment? Well, it didn't work and he wath tho pithed!
—EatYourShoes
When the slave, was asked about his post-Civil-War plans, the slave replied, "I don't know. . . I'll let Massa chose it!"
—Malte
Q: In France what do frogs eat?
A: French flies.
—David Price
Q: What kind of mail to organic chemists like to send?
A: Chain Mail.
—Joe Clark
Q: What is the name of my favorite coffee shop?
A: The Daily Grind.
—Ashley
Q: What do you call a dumb person who makes acne products?
A: An Oxy-moron.
—Justin Craper
Q: Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Poo.
—GW Jenkins
Q: What did one unborn twin say to the other?
A: There's no womb in here.
—Porterboy
Q: What did the strawberry say to her baby?
A: Don't get stuck in a jam!
—Ben Wienokliar
Q: Why couldn't the pirates go to the movie?
A: It was rated Aarrghh.
—Mary La Roche
Q: What is the main ingredient in the archeologists soda?
A: Carbon-dated water.
—A.J. Brown
Definitions:
Specimen : Italian astronaut.
Bigotry : Italian Redwood.
—Kip Gonzales
Q: What's black and blue that floats in a pond?
A: The last person I heard telling blonde jokes.
—rose420
Internet Away Message:
Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet.
—Candi Apple
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
—Nicholas Slate
Q: Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
A: Not if I wipe good.
—Donald Frazier
Q: How do you spell the country north of the United States?
A: C eh? N eh? D eh?
—The Tim Guy
A beaver walks in to a wall. He says, "Dam!"
—gamelover200
If it's brokenless, don't suffix it!
—Padmavyuha
Kentucky Fried Deity: It's Finger Lickin' God!
—Padmavyuha
Q: Why are parking lots lying flat?
A: They're tarred.
—Cathy Little
Q: What do you call a Christmas frog?
A: A Pondsetter.
—Cathy Little
Q: What type of bread do the Irish eat when they cook Italian dinners?
A: Gaelic Bread!
—Ara Ryan
Does music make you think? It sure makes Steve Wonder.
—Pat McAlpine
Did you know that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population?
—Bob Keyes
Q: Why does a puss purr?
A: For an obvious purpose!
—PeeWee
Q: What happened to the boy who drank eight colas?
A: He burped 7-up.
—Caity
Daily Reptile Headline: "Mayor T. Frog Croaks."
—Kacie H.
Q: Where do you keep captive light rays?
A: In a prism, of course.
—Silicon Joe
Q: Why do you always see ghouls and demons together?
A: Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
—Peter Schmidt
Q: Where is Moscow?
Right next to Pa's cow
—Peter Schmidt
Q: What kind of footwear is made from banana peels?
A: Slippers!
—Peter Schmidt
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it is ajar.
—Peter Schmidt
Q: What do you call a Froot Loop killer?
A: A cereal killer!
—Spider-Man
Q: What to you call an escaped flock of chickens?
A: A loose corn-federation.
—Punjab
Q: How would you describe a pig's experience if he backed into an electric fence?
A: I would call it a swine-tingling episode.
—Punjab
Q: How did the critic describe the diva's poor performance?
A: He called it a "Crime on the high C's."
—Punjab
Psychoanalyst feline: "Freudy Cat"
—Punjab
Q: What is a strawberry's favorite musical activity?
A: To have jam session!
—Philman
Q: What kind of penalty does a hockey player get if he kills another player with an illegal hit?
A: A Death Penalty.
—Christian Francis Michael Alsis
Teacher: "Can anyone give me three collective nouns?"
Tommy: "Flypaper, wastebasket, and vacuum cleaner."
—The Mouth from the South
Two atoms are walking down the street, when all of a sudden, one atom stops, and says, "Oh no! I think I lost an electron!" So the other one turns to him and asks, "Are you sure?" To which the first one replies, "I'm POSITIVE!"
—DoorRat
The hunchback of Notre Dame was sitting at Esmaralda's feet and telling her about all his trouble. He said: "And I'm not even a real modo, just a quasimodo."
—Peter Schmidt
Q: What would you call a radical procedure for cleaning your chimney?
A: Open-hearth surgery.
—punjab
Chinese dish containing cows' hooves: Moo Shoe Pork
—punjab
Literary award for chickens: "Pullet-zer Prize."
—punjab
Hardy laugh by alpine lass: Heidi ho.
—punjab
Marquis de Sade's favorite meal: Battered shrimp and whipped potatoes.
—punjab
Q: What would you call the eldest son of the Dairy King and the Dairy Queen?
A: The Dairy Heir.
—skfrogtown
Q: What do you get when you cross a math nerd and a carrot?
A: A square root.
—Ronissogreat
Q: What is on the face of army generals do when a peace-keeping mission to Mogadishu goes awry?
A: A Black Hawk Frown!
—Chris DIE
Q: What is a ghost's favorite soft drink?
A: Scream soda!
—Chris DIE
Q: What do you call an Iraqi soldier praying in his tank?
A: Mecca nized.
—Edward Evangelidi
Q: What do you call a spider in Baghdad?
A: Iraq nid.
—Edward Evangelidi
Q: How did the stranded hippy try to signal the rescue plane?
A: He waved his flares in the sir.
—Chalky
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
—Isaac Moss
Court jester's job description: "fac-silly tator."
—punjab
Female vocalist group from Prague: Dixie Czechs.
—punjab
Q: Why did the Library book go crazy?
A: It was talking to it's shelf all day!
—Derek Daoust
As he gazed down at his ample girth, he was heard to say, "That's a waist of good beer!"
—punjab
The drunken revelry eventually led to \r\na great upheaval.
—punjab
Q: What's another way to say "hangover?"
A: Wrath of the grapes.
—rachel
The Incredible Hulk is the world's best gardener. I've heard he's got green fingers.
—Chalky
Q: What do you call a web site operator who sells his submitters' screen names to a nefarious advertiser?
A: A "spam" artist.
—punjab
Q: Why do penguins look so uncomfortable?
A: They have a perpetual cold front.
Q: Why are penguins so simplistic.
A: Because everything is black and white.
—punjab
Q: What did the duck say to the prostitute?
A: Put it on my bill.
—atlantacauchy
When they asked the groundskeeper why the bottoms of his shoes were white, he said, "It's just the gypsum in my soles"
—punjab
I guess you've already heard that Hussein is between Iraq and a hard place.
—punjab
Just between you and me, I think that gardeners are just a bunch of bed-wetters
—punjab
Q: What do you call a multi-colored snake?
A: A pied viper!
—Brian
A,E,I,O, and U were found dead on a local street. It was determinied that they were victims of vowel play.
—two cents ¬¢¬¢
I was going to join the procrastination club, but I decided to just join next year.
—Poseidon
When they threw a bash for the road-side assistants, it was called a "tow-guy" party.
—punjab
When the famous Arctic exployer hadn't been heard from, the anxious reporters gathered in the newsroom to get the Byrd poop.
—punjab
The Indian ascetic's harem called themselves the Ghandi dancers.
—punjab
Who's going to tell James Fenimore Cooper that they just found another Mohican?
—punjab
Hmmm . . . Is it bad luck to be superstitious?
—YouthKwest
Q: Why do they call it moonshine?
A: Because it's made in the still of the night.
—punjab
Q: What did the Fish say when he ran into a rock wall?
A: Dam!
—Beatrice
Definition of a punster: "parse" snatcher.
—punjab
When the landlord had to evict his relative again, he referred to him as his cousin, twice removed.
—punjab
Definition of a punster: a humorous anecdope.
—punjab
Q: What do philosophers and stylists have in common?
A: They both split hairs.
—punjab
Q: Why did the landlord take his unattractive tenant to a local bar?
A: To scotch an ugly roomer.
—punjab
I recently got a bad case of athlete's foot. Mike Tyson caught me hugging his girlfriend.
—punjab
The anthropological expedition ended up in ruins.
—punjab
Motto of the Junior Ghost Society: "We have not begun to fright."
—punjab
Did you know that when Jeffrey Dahmer was in prison he had asked for a new trial? Due to a biased jury, he claims he should have had a change of menu.
—Tania R. Chase & Rachel A. Johnson
It was ridiculous, telling me to go down Stairs like that. . . . but then it hit me! The answer was Stairing me in the face the whole time!
—Peter
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
—frank
Q: If I snuck into your cellar, would the coal chute?
A: No, but the kindling wood.
—Marv Conover
Did you hear about the new restuarant that just opened on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
—Pam Schmidt
Chartreuse funeral vehicle: Hearse of a different color.
—punjab
When the doctor told his patient that he was cured of amnesia, the patient replied, "Thanks for the memories."
—punjab
Q: What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?
A: You get repossesed.
—The blank box
When the wildebeest gave a sterling performance as a famous writer, the critic said, "I gnu he was too good to be Tru."
—punjab
The Serial Killers Association of America recently announced the beginning of its annual dismembership drive.
—punjab
Our city councilman, Oliver Robert David Nance, drafted a law banning the use of firecrackers in the city limits. It is known as the O.R.D. Nance Ordnance Ordinance.
—SGT Snorkel
When the funeral pyre broke and fell into the fire, it was referred to as a bier bust.
—punjab
Q: What do moyels carry?
A: A bris kit.
—LIZ
Territorial insect: fly squatter.
—punjab
Ancient tabloid: "Attilla was my hon."
—punjab
Show me a man with a flat-top and I'll show you a level-headed guy.
—punjab
Q: What do you call the man who gives you the sauce in a restaurant?
A: A sorcerer.
(This was made up by my 8-yr old.)
—Debra Burnett
French cheer: "Eau da man!"
—punjab
Q: What do a navel and two sumo wrestlers have in common?
A: They're both a' belly-buttin'.
—punjab
Egoist: A person who is me-deep in conversation.
—punjab
When the man ran his arm through his neighbor's storm door, he said to his neighbor, "I feel your pane."
—punjab
Q: What do you call a Chinese man with green Hair?
A: Brock Lee.
—Derek Daoust
The beatles have a new album out, but it's only drum and bass.
—micky hamilton
Q: What did the mamma and papa tire name their baby daughter tire?
A: Michelle Lynn
—Chas37
At Timex, we know how to make our customers tick.
—Denise
Q: What do brown eyes and diarrhea have in common?
A: Both run in your jeans.
—sammy
Q: Why did Snoop Doggy Dogg carry and umbrella?
A: For Dirzzle my nizzle!
—ln
Q: What fruit if you eat it will get your wedding application denied at a Las Vegas Wedding chappel?
A: Cantalope (Can't-alope)
—Conan Obrien rocks
Q: What should an epileptic never order at a restaurant?
A: A seizure salad.
—AnnieV
Q: Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender at his doorstep?
A: He liked to greet everyone with a handshake.
—AnnieV
Q: What do you call a girl who will trade spaghetti for sex?
A: A pastatute.
—anniefla@att.net
Q: How many realtors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten, but we'll accept eight!
—AnnieV
Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.\r\n
—AnnieV
Q: What did the street junkie say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Give me one with the works.\r\n
—AnnieV
Q: Did you hear about the broken hearted tractor salesman?
A: He got a John Deere letter.
—AnnieV
Q: What do diapers and politicians have in common?
A: They both need to be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
—AnnieV
Q: What do you call it when you have a pimple on each cheek?
A: Oppozits.\r\n
—AnnieV
Q: How do you know that a bull is ready to charge?
A: He whips out his American Express card.
—ROBERT KORNSTEIN
Q: What did the Martian say when he went into the library?
A: "Take me to your reader."
—SGT Snorkel
Q: Did Delaware her New Jersey?
A: I dunno, Alaska.
—Colton
Q: What is Peter Pan's favourite food?
A: Pancakes!
—Rob
Two blondes were driving to Disney Land. As they approached the park, they saw a sign saying "Disney Land Left." Disappointed, they turned around and went home.
—pascal
She said, "Clean up
\r\nor I'll go away"
\r\nso I cut my beard
\r\nin Mandalay.
\r\n—Burma Shave.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: Why did the dyslexic send his girlfriend a small rodent on Valentine's Day?
A: He wanted to show his vole for her.
—SGT Snorkel
I was so special my parents called me Ed.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: What did the bee say to the other bee?
A: You look bee-tiful.
—Miley
Q: Do you know why it's nearly impossible to starve in a haunted desert?
A: Because of the sandwiches there!
—Kip Gonzales
I didn't realize how slow the post office was until I received a postcard the other day. It was from a friend who had visited the Grand Ravine.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: What did the polar bear have for lunch?
A: Ice bergers.
—russell
I realized I was getting old when I went to the fancy restaurant and discovered that I was older than every wine on the list.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: What does Hugh Hefner eat for breakfast?
A: Porn Flakes
—Joe Mc Callion
Q: Which comic hero has a secret power of word play?
A: The Punisher
—Joe Mc Callion
Q: What do you get when you cross E.T and Brokeback Mountain?
A: Gayliens
—Joe Mc Callion
Q: What does Keith Moon use when it rains?
A: A Drumbrella!
—Joe Mc Callion
Q: Why did Santa's helpers go on strike this Christmas?
A: They didn't have any ELF benefits
—Joe Mc Callion
A man fell off a 75 foot ladder today and suffered only minor grass-stains due to his only falling from the bottom rung.
—Mongler
The Indian Tribe slandered the famous children's author so he took them to court. Seuss sues Sioux.
—SGT Snorkel
Asked my daughter what kind of peanut butter she wanted on her sandwich--chunky or smooth? She replied--"I don't care Mom, I'm ambidextrous!"
—JB Houghtalen
Q: What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A: You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
—Punned It
President Bush, Sr., promised no new taxes. Obama's appointees knew no taxes.
—SGT Snorkel
Q: What did the director of "The Mummy" \r\nsay after shooting was finished?
A: That's a wrap!
—Tim Rice
I went to a shrink for a "check-up from the neck-up". He found a "back-up from the crack-up"!\r\n\r\n
—Dave
Q: Why were the grandstands at the football game so white-washed?
A: They were bleachers!
—emily m. soifer
John: Do you know what, mate? You remind me of marmite.
Alex: Ok, why, you either love me or hate me?
John: No, you're black, and you stink.
—james caldwell-hope
Q: How do you silence a gun?
A: Tell it to shut up!
—big noob
When they said I was average, they were just being mean.
—Stepexi
Q: What did the tectonic plate say to the other?
A: Not my fault.
—Aaron
